SUPPORT A FRIEND IN CRISIS

What do you do when a friend loses a family member? What can you say when your gal-pal blurts out that her parents are getting divorced? How can you be there for your friend when her long-time boyfriend cheats on her? When really bad things happen to good friends, it is sometimes hard to know how to act or what to say. It's especially hard when you're out in public - like at school, or at the mall - when you get the news. Here are a few tips for coping and giving your friend what she needs when she is in crisis.

Stay Calm.

Your friend is already upset - it will only make things worse if you start freaking too.

Take Her Somewhere Private.

Help her find a place to sit that offers some privacy and comfort. Even if she breaks down crying in a busy shopping mall, you can lead her to a bench outside or to a quiet area of the food court to talk.

Listen More Than You Talk.

Remember that 'just listening' may be all that your friend needs at that moment. Do NOT try to 'fix' her problems or tell her what you would do if you were her. What she really needs is to get her feelings out. Just be there and listen

Understand that you will hardly ever have the responsibility (or even the ability) to do anything about the situation that caused your friend's suffering. You are not there to make everything better - you are there to help her feel better.

Reflect Her Feelings.

While listening to your friend when she's pouring her heart out, occasionally 'reflect back' - in your own words - what she has said about her experiences and feelings. Saying things like 'this must be really hard for you' and 'it sounds like you are really frustrated and angry' can be helpful to your friend, because it is comforting to know you've been heard.

Don't Be Corny.

Do NOT get philosophical or offer vague promises about what will happen in the future, like 'everything will be okay' or 'sometimes people change.' These kinds of statements actually stop communication, because people don't believe them. Your friend can come to these conclusions on her own, if she wants to, when she is ready. It is okay, however, to let your friend know that her feelings are normal in this kind of situation.

Help Her Find Help.

When it's appropriate to the situation, guide the conversation toward how your friend can get further support. (For example, if her boyfriend hit her). You could recommend different places she could go for help and professional advice - either at the school (from a counsellor or a trusted teacher) or some outside resource (like a therapist or doctor). If you are very close friends, you could also talk to her about her spiritual or religious faith and help her explore how this might be a source of healing for her. When a friend needs immediate help and can't talk to a parent, let them know about the free teen hotlines that offer confidential help. Find these on the Myjellybean Hotlines Page.