WHEN YOUR PARENTS DECIDE TO DIVORCE

If your parents have told you that they're getting a divorce, chances are, you're going through some rough times right now. You might feel hurt, mad, confused, abandoned, or just sad about your parent's separation. No matter how alone you might feel, you're not; many children whose parents separate also go through the same thing. Part of dealing with divorce is learning how to understand it and adjust to it.

Why Is This Happening?

Parents sometimes make the decision to separate when they reach the conclusion that no matter how hard they try to make their marriage work, they just can't live together anymore. The decision to separate is not only hard on the kids, but hard on the parents. After all, they too have to adjust to life without each other.

THINGS TO REMEMBER

You Still Have a Mom and Dad.

Although your parents are separating, they are still going to be a mom and a dad to you, always. Your parents are separating from each other, NOT from you or their responsibilities to you. Even when you only live with one of your parents, the other one will still be your mom/dad…forever. Nothing will ever change that.

It's Not Your Fault.

You are NOT the cause of their separation. Parents separate for many different reasons, although children aren't one of them. Many kids think that they have caused their parents' separation through performing poorly in school, behaving badly, or slacking off on chores. However, things like these don't make husbands and wives end their marriages. They just don't.

It's Not Your Job to Reunite Them.

It is NOT up to you to try and get them back together. You are not the cause of your parent's divorce, so you can't be the one to bring them back together either. Even if you got straight A's and behaved perfectly all the time (no one can be perfect ALL the time), that would make mom and dad happy, but that doesn't mean that they will get married again. Anything is possible in the future... but you can't control their decision.

It's Normal to Feel Bad.

No one expects you to act like nothing is wrong. Your whole world has turned upside down and you do not have to act like everything is fine. Many times it helps to talk to someone outside the situation, someone you trust, such as a favorite teacher, counselor, other family member, minister/priest/rabbi, or mentor. Sometimes it helps just to have someone to listen.

Don't Be a Messenger.

You should not have to carry messages between your parents because they're not together anymore. Sometimes your mom or dad will ask you questions about what the other is doing, what's going on in their life, if they are dating anyone new, etc. This can make you feel uncomfortable and you should let your parent know that it does, by saying, "I feel disloyal when I report information about (Mom/Dad) to you. Could we talk about something else?" Then ask your parents to speak directly to each other - if they want information - instead of you.

Things Will Change.

The future doesn't have to be bleak. Although you may feel very uncertain about what the future holds for you and your family, try to hope for the best. Things might seem really tense right now, but in time, once everyone has adjusted to the situation, things between your parents will settle down.

Keep Talking.

Family matters after divorces don't always run smoothly, but if you keep an open line of communication with your parents about your feelings, it will help the situation a lot. Also, try to be open-minded and helpful to your mom or dad in trying to make things work. Remember, they're also going through a change in their lives. They'll appreciate your concern and cooperation more than you can imagine.

Reach Out.

An important thing to remember is that you are NOT alone! Visit the Myjellybean.com Hotlines Page for a list of places that can help if you need someone to talk to. The people on the other end are trained to handle situations just like yours, so give them a try.