Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

I have a crush on my guy friend. We hang out a lot and get along really well. But... my other friends think he’s gay. Now I can’t be sure, but sometimes I think he could be, and other times I think no he’s defiantly not. My friend and I have both straight up asked him if he was gay and he said no and laughed it off. He didn’t seem that bothered that we asked him. We think he’s gay because a) he never talks about liking anyone, and he has a lot of female friends and doesn’t seem to take an interest in any of them, b) how he always looks really well-put together, and c) he kind of talks like a girl... not sounding like a girl per-se, but just the way he says certain things make him sound... feminine. A lot of girls think he’s adorable, and they all think he’s a sweetie. I’m not sure what to do. I would support him 100% if he was gay, but I really like this guy and if he WAS, I would want him to feel comfortable enough to tell me. So I guess what I’m asking is: is he gay, or should I just not worry about this?

Thanks,

Headband

Dear Headband,

I certainly can't guess if your guy friend is gay just from your letter. After all, you can't tell, and you hang out a lot!

What I do know is, it's kind of beside the point. The real question is, does your guy friend like you as more-than-a-friend. If he doesn't, it does not really matter why - he could be gay, or he could be straight and just not interested.

So take a chance, and talk to your friend about your feelings. You don't have to make a big love declaration - be subtle about it. Wait until you two are hanging out alone (to reduce the chance of public pressure or embarrassment for either of you), and then say something like, "Hey, I was just thinking, we get along so amazingly for a girl and guy. What would you think about going out sometimes, like on a date?"

If he says yes, and mentions he's thought about you that way too, then fabulous! You can make plans for your date. And if he says no, or says "sure" and then never mentions the subject to you again, you have your answer - he's not interested in you that way. Then you can accept his feelings on the matter, pretend it's no big deal, go back to being friends, and know that at least you tried.

As for the issue of your friend's sexuality, don't push him to talk about it. It doesn't matter why you want to know, or how good a friend to him you are. A person's sexuality is very private - and something that may still be evolving. It also has nothing to do with you, or how comfortable he is with you.

So don't push. If and when your friend decides to share any information about it with you - if, in fact, there is anything of note to share - you can support him 100%, as you say, at that time. Until then, if you really want to be a good friend, MYOB and don't pry into his privacy, or gossip about your friend's possible gayness with others.