Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

Last year I was teased by a guy from my school. He'd make fun of everything about me. My nose, my skin, my hair, my glasses, they way I acted around people, the problems I had with my parents. He even hit me by the end of the year. But the thing that was the worst of them all was that he was constantly calling me retarded. But not as a joke, he ACTUALLY meant I look like a retarded girl. He used to tell me 'You look like a retarded girl' or 'Me and my friends think you look like a retarded girl'. My 'friends' from that time didn't defend me, because this guy was one of the popular and rich ones, plus they were friends with him. One girl actually ended our friendship because I called him a jerk and a midget.

Now I've changed schools, I have new friends, my parents and teachers from the old school know everything, and I don't see those people anymore. But sometimes, when I remember about this time, I start to cry or I get really angry. Sometimes, when I see my photos or videos, I think to myself 'I actually look like a retarded girl'. I start to think that my old friends felt bad or ashamed for me because I look like a retarded person. I was teased with this for over 3 years, so I suppose it's hard to recover. I felt betrayed by my friends and my self esteem was falling apart because of this guy.

How can I start to see myself as the cute, normal girl that I am? How can I start to think about myself as a good friend and an interesting person, even when the people that I called friends dropped me to be friends with such a jerk? What can I do to recover from this experience and be stronger?

Thank you,

Girl that Can't Forget

Dear Girl that Can't Forget,

What an awful experience. I'm so glad to hear that you've changed schools and have gotten away from that jerk.

It is unfortunate - but not unusual - that the words of that one, horrible guy have stayed with you, and are still affecting your self-esteem. Many people struggle into their adulthood with the effects of childhood bullying. So you're super-smart to be asking about how you can move past it, so that doesn't happen to you.

The first thing you need to know, and think about, is that what happened was NOT your fault. The guy who teased you was a horrible person, and that is why he teased you. It did NOT happen because of something about you. He tried to come up with all sorts of bad things to say about you. It was only after he exhausted all his other ideas of teasing you - about your hair, skin, glasses, etc - that he came up with the "retarded" insult. You have to know that you don't really look bad, that you are a good person. You just had the terrible luck to cross paths with an awful, aggressive, miserable person who could only feel good about himself by making someone else feel bad.

Do also know that those people who dropped you, did so for superficial reasons. The lure of popularity has a lot of power over weak minds. It is sad that your friends were more worried about being friendly with popular people, than defending their friend. But that says a lot about who THEY were, and not who YOU are. They were weak and cowardly, and not good friends. You needed support, and were abandoned. They were in the wrong, and you never were.

Going forward, you must decide to take responsibility for your feelings. Decide that only YOU have the power to tell yourself who you are, and what you are all about. Nobody can decide how you feel except for you. When you let others define you, it just gives them total power over how you feel, and makes you into a victim. Refuse to get into that situation ever again, but determining that ONLY you can decide how you see yourself.

It may help you to write out your feelings in a journal. Ask yourself lots of questions about how you are feeling, and write out the answers. You could start with these:

What am I still feeling about that past situation, that is still affecting me today?

How would I like to feel different?

What are some things I can do to feel this new way?

Do I need anyone to help me?

You may find it is enough to write it all out, rip up the pages, and toss them in the trash, as an exercise in letting go. But after 3 years of teasing, a lot of damage has been done to your self-esteem, and you may need more than that.

Maybe you could speak to your parents about letting you see a therapist (your doctor may be able to refer you to one who is covered by your health plan). Or you could visit a guidance counselor at your new school, to learn about self-esteem building exercises you can do, to help you you gain the confidence you need so that nobody can ever victimize you again.

Sometimes, joining new teams and clubs can be powerful self-esteem builders. Drama, particularly, has been shown to transform people's feelings of self-worth, because the exercise of acting out different personalities and scenarios, in a group of people working together closely, can be fantastically positive and wonderful. (I - a former shy and lonely kid, now a very outgoing friendly person - am a living example of the power of doing drama programs). So take a drama class at school, and try out for the play.

Or, if you are more sporty, go out for a team. Being part of a group of like-minded people, who value your contributions, and share interests in common with you, is a great experience to have. Getting involved in regular group activities can also teach you about skills and talents you didn't even know you had, and that can be a great confidence-booster.

As you go through your days at your new school, and build your confidence, also focus on being a good friend, and following the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Never tease anyone, or make judgements based on outside appearance. Invite friends into your life who treat you with respect, and avoid those people who are only about the superficial stuff. Be the kind of person you'd want as a friend, and with any luck, similar people will gravitate into your life.

Good luck with everything. I wish you all the best. :)