Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

I go to a private high school with an environment that is very friendly for the most part. It is relatively a small school where everyone is friendly and knows each other. I know a lot of nice people there and have great friends who are funny, kind, and don't normally judge others. But here's the only problem-there is one girl in our group, lets call her Tina for now, who is always teased by my other friends. To be honest, she may not be the prettiest or most fashionable girl and she has done and said few things that are odd.

Every person from every group makes fun of her and talks about her, even the people who she considers her friends (me, other girls in our group, etc.). One day during lunch, my friends had mentioned a "Karen" and i was itching to know who that was, and an hour later I found out that "Karen" was Tina's code name so that they can talk about her without her finding out.

Now everyone in our school has been referring to her with her code name. Everyday my friends would be talking about her (looks, eating habits, weight, clothes, behavior, etc.), and when they do so, i just shut up and not join in. Although she is not my favorite person either, I try to be nice to her like I should, and I feel really bad for her because she doesn't have too many real friends who care about her. I know my friends are nice people who don't like to judge others, but it seems as though Tina is the exception that they actually do judge. I'm wondering if there is anything i can do about it other than being nice to her like i am. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of confronting my friends and telling them how i feel about them gossiping about her, but I wish they would stop teasing her because I know they are not liking that and that they would never do that to me or to each other.

Sincerely,

The "Way Too Nice" One

Dear "Way Too Nice" One,

I want to begin by commending you on your kindness and maturity. You are head-and-shoulders above your friends in having the confidence not to trash-talk someone who is different, just to make herself feel powerful or to fit in with others who are doing so. You're a rare person, and should be very proud of yourself for that.

Because of your inner strength, you have the ability to be a leader in your crowd, if you choose to be one. You are already doing so in a small way, by refusing to gossip about Tina, and by being kind to her. Your behavior is a good example for your friends, but it may not be enough to change their teasing ways. I don't say you can "reform" those who aren't as mature as you, but I am going to suggest a way that you can try to do so - if you decide you are comfortable with it.

The next time you hear someone tearing down "Karen", step in and say something. The best approach is not to lecture them, but to make them feel "uncool" for talking about her constantly.

One way to do this, is to pretend you're bored of always talking about her. You could say, "Guys, I feel like this is all we ever talk about anymore. Can't we find something better to discuss, like..." (fill in the blank here with anything - a hot guy in your class, a TV show you're obsessed with, an upcoming holiday or school event, etc).

If they start talking about "Karen" again, roll your eyes and say something like, "Honestly, I am so bored to death of this subject. Can we please move on?"

You could also take the approach of showing your friends how foolish they're being. You could say, "Hey, I get it, you guys don't like Karen. So how come you talk about her 24/7?"

If you can't get through to them like this, you could also be more straight-forward about how you feel. Take aside one person who seems to be the ringleader for all this gossip (there is usually someone at the center of things in these situations), and have a chat with them. Say, "Listen, Tina may be weird, but she's still a person, and this teasing is getting out of hand. I think we need to leave her alone, before we all get in trouble, or really mess her up."

Being a leader in this way will take great courage - but I think that's something you have already shown. And by standing up for someone who is unable to stand up for herself, you will not only be helping Tina, but you will teach your other friends an important lesson in confidence and compassion.

Good luck - and go forward knowing that if there were more people like you in the world, it would certainly be a nicer place to be. I salute you.