Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

I know you have probably heard this a million times, but.... how can I get my mom to let me go out on a date? Ok, here's the story.

I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend 'till I'm 16, and I'm 14 now. And tht bad thing now is that I sort of already have a boyfriend, and it's not so much getting permission as making her ok with it. And I know it was WRONG to lie and go behind my mom's back, but I really do care a lot about him and he's going away for the summer and I want to see him before he goes, but i'm not sure my mom will let me. I've been telling her that he's ONLY my friend, but she still won't let me hang out with him like I do with my girl friends. I've known him for 2 years, but we haven't hung out anywhere out of school untill recently. He's more into video games than trying to "get with me". My mom's never met him, so I think that might be a factor too. And his parents are totally fine with him dating, it's just my mom that's holding is back from going on an actual date. 

I get an 89.8 average in school, i've never drank alcohol or smoked EVER, I've never had sex and my room is fairly clean, we've never even held hands yet and my friends say we act more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend anyways...

WHAT COULD BE SO WRONG ABOUT DATING HIM?

-What Could Be Wrong?

Dear What Could Be Wrong,

Yep, it was wrong to lie and go behind mom's back. Are you up for another whopper?

You can't just inform your mom that you've been dating this guy, and expect her to be okay with it. Put aside whether it's normal or right or harmless, or how you feel about you being able to date. From your mom's point of view - and try to put yourself in her shoes, so you get it - it's about you understanding her rules, and then going out and ignoring them.

This is going to make your mom feel like she can't trust you, or believe what you say. And that is going to freak her out - she probably bought the story about you two being just friends - and she will wonder, what else have you been doing that she doesn't know about?

Trust me, if she's like most parents, her mind is going to come up with plenty of things you never did, and she will convince herself that you're guilty of them. That's just the parental mindset. Your mom wants to protect you - and will go to any lengths to do so.

So that's what not to do. Now let's talk about what you CAN do.

First off, ask your mom to sit down with you when she has some uninterrupted time. Then tell her you're trying to understand some things, and you want her opinions and insights. You're going to try to get her talking about herself at your age. The goal here is to make your mom empathize with you, without actually (yet) asking for anything.

Ask your mom how old she was when she started dating, and what her first boyfriend was like. Ask her about her parents, and how they felt about dating, and how that made her feel. Ask her to let you in on her life as a teen, and really listen and let her talk about it. Thank her for sharing this info with you, and enjoy the waves of closeness the convo (hopefully) brings.

Next, tell your mom that this guy friend you've been talking about is really important to you, and he's an awesome guy, and you want to invite him over to dinner. Get him to come over at a time that works for everyone. Allow your mom to see what he's like - if he's as nice as you say, she's sure to find him charming too.

After he goes, mention that he's the type of guy you can see dating, because he's so polite, respectful of girls, sweet, funny, etc. Tell your mom that his parents are really nice too, and they've made jokes about how you'd make a great girlfriend for him.

Don't be surprised if this leads to a conversation about your dating rules. You obviously want your mom to be okay with you dating him, which is awesome - and I think that by breaking her into the idea slowly, and letting her meet him, there's a better chance of this happening. Just remain respectful of your mom as you try to convince her of this, and keep on reminding her that you're a good kid, and she's taught you amazing values, and you want to make her proud.

If your mom still says no to official dates, there's not much you can do but obey her, or keep on doing just what you've been doing. But hopefully, things will work out for you. Good luck!