Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

My mom and I don't get along. But for awhile now, it has got to the point where i don't want to be here anymore. She is constantly yelling at me for stupid things like when she couldn't get service on my cellphone. We don't spend any time together because we have different interests. Its been like this ever since the divorce 5 years ago. Over the summer my older sister got married and moved to South Dakota, and my mom won't let go of the fact that she is gone. She never stops talking about her, she constantly saying things like " I think we're doing OK without her" "I miss her" "I can't wait until she comes home for Thanksgiving" So on and so forth. Not only that but since she moved my mom switched to my sisters new cellphone service, which ended up not working and so she got rid of that, and we don't have a house phone, so she is constantly using my cellphone making at least seven calls a day, so I never get to talk to my friends who I never see during the day. She is also never home because she is out having fun, so I have to stay home all weekend and take care of my dog. I stay inside and do homework all weekend because my mom is a freak about me getting perfect grades.... blah blah blah. I never have any fun and I want out. I can't tell her how I feel because she will just yell at me more saying I'm being absurd and foolish. I don't know what to do anymore.

-I Want Out

Dear I Want Out,

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at home. You sound like a very intelligent girl, and I think that you can use your smarts to help improve the situation you're in. Here are a few ideas for making that happen.

First, realize that to get your mom to change, you will also have to change. Change is just like that - it always requires a "first mover" to get things going. One change you could make that might kick-start some better feelings between you and your mom is, to do more stuff together. You say that you and your mom have different interests, and that is totally valid. But part of growing up and becoming more mature, is realizing that sometimes, giving in can wind up benefiting you the most. If you do some stuff with your mom that she's interested in, you might not adore the activity, but it's really about being with your mom, not what you're doing. (I'm guessing your sister did stuff with your mom, and that's part of why they were so close).

So offer to tag along when your mom goes on an outing, or think one up yourself that she'd like. Spend the time trying to bond (and trying not to fight), and see how far that goes towards helping how you get along. It's a pretty mature move to make, but if you can do it (and what do you have to lose, one boring afternoon?), I bet it will help.

Another thing you can try is, to write your mom a letter. Just remember the old adage that "you catch more flies with honey, than you do with vinegar." Meaning, you have to make your letter a thing of sweetness, and then sneak the other stuff in. You might start it with, "Dear mom, I'm writing this letter because I really love you. We don't always get along the best, so I'm writing you this letter to tell you how I feel." Then list off a few things that makes her a great mom (this is more of the "honey" part), such as her good sense of humor, or how she makes a great omelette, or whatever. Then sneak in what you really want to say. You could write, "Sometimes I worry that you miss (your sister's name) so much, you forget that I'm here too. I'm still your daughter, and I need to feel like you love me just as much."

In your letter, do not make accusations (anything that starts with "You always" or "You never"), or blame your mom for your rotten life. Just phrase things in a way that is about how YOU feel. Do this by using the word "I" and sticking to specifics.

As for the cell phone issue, is your mom paying the bills? If she is, then it's really her phone, even if it was bought for you. You could get a part-time job (or even do some babysitting in the neighborhood), and buy your own phone and service plan, and that would solve the problem. Or, offer to split the cost of the phone with your mom, in exchange with coming up with a schedule for using it (you get it on some hours/days, and your mom gets it on others).

I know my advice puts a lot of the burden on you, to make things better at home. But once your mom sees how mature you're being about the situation, maybe she'll come around and put in some effort too. After all, I bet you're not the only one who's sick of the tension and fighting. Your mom wants peace in the house too. So give some of these tips a try - and good luck.