Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

My mom and I used to be best friends a few years back. But since then, her new boyfriend has come into the picture, and I got into a serious relationship for a year. My relationship started getting a little bit more... 'mature', if thats the best way of putting it, and I had to ask my mom for birth control. She was really mature about it at first and admitted I was getting older and she should expect this type of thing, so she told me she would get it when I tell her I'm actually starting to do those types of things. Well, I told her after it happened, and she freaked on me and him, calling us bad names saying we were immature and stupid to be doing that unprotected, even though we did use a condom.

But her boyfriend is very sexual, and my brother and I never got along with him, nor did we agree with the sexual comments and gestures towards my mom that he did for so long infront of us, so both my brother and I moved out. He went to his own place and I went to live with my dad for a summer. But every night I would cry myself to sleep because I missed her, and all my dad and I did was argue. So I went back home, after my mom told me I would have to put up with it.

Now everyday, my mom and I argue when her boyfriend is not around. It's like I get blamed for everything bad that happens in her life, but when he comes around, she turns into a total different person. She goes from making me feel bad about myself, to smiles when he gets home.

I wanna go back to the way it used to be so bad, but everytime I try talking to her about it, she just gets upset and walks away. I have tried tons of approaches but none have worked. Please help me Jellybean.

-Desperate and Alone

Dear Desperate and Alone,

Do you think your mom might be open to going to see a counselor with you? She might listen to an adult - and a professionally certified one, at that - more than she listens to you. And seeing a counselor or therapist together would really help you two to work through old issues, and come up with new ways to communicate with each other that are healthy and allow your love as mother and daughter to return and grow.

When your mom doesn't seem busy, tell her you have something really important to talk to her about, and ask her to sit down with you. Begin the conversation by saying something like, "Mom, I love you so much, and I really miss how close we used to be." If you're comfortable doing so, you can tell her that you cry about it, and that it's on your mind all the time.

Then say, "I feel like we could use some help getting back on track. Would you be open to seeing a therapist together?"

Your mom might be defensive. She might say she doesn't need some stranger's help with her own kid, or say that she can't afford counseling. If that happens, keep things positive, and don't get angry, but just repeat your goal of getting closer to her and making things better between you. Try saying something like, "I hear what you're saying. I just feel like even though we love each other so much, and we both try really hard, there's a wall between us, and it's making me so sad. I feel like if there's something to do to bring it down, we owe it to our relationship to try that."

You could also write your mom a letter, if it feels too difficult to say these things aloud to her. Just keep the focus on mutual work - and mutual love - and don't cast any blame, or mention your mom's boyfriend at all. Outside forces have effected your relationship, but at heart, this is really about the two of you.

Best of luck to you - I hope you and your mother can fix what has been broken, and find your closeness again.