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Dear Jellybean,
Ok how do i start this. Well basically i am the opposite of my mom. I like things like green day and nose piercings and she hates them. And i dont like these things just to be the opposite of her, i just like them. The other day we went shopping to get clothes for a business thing i'm going to, but anyways i was almost brought to tears because she is so mean. Anything i pick out she hates. It doesnt matter if it's business like or not. I usually like going shopping but anytime i'm with her i just want to go back home. I dont know what to do.
-Confused & Angry
Dear Confused & Angry,
Clothes shopping with one's mom can be a very emotional situation, for just the reasons you describe. Even a well-meant comment can come off as critical, and feelings can get hurt fast.
I think it's time for you to talk honestly to your mom about how her comments affect you. Wait for a time when she doesn't seem too busy, and ask if she can give you ten minutes to talk about something important. Start the conversation by saying something loving, but to-the-point. You might try begining with "Mom, I really love you a lot, but sometimes when we spend time together, I wind up with my feelings hurt."
Then, go on to tell your mother exactly what she says that hurts you, and how it makes you feel. It's super-important not to blame her, or call her names like "mean". Instead, use "I" statements to express your feelings. You could say something like, "When you say the clothes I like are ugly, I feel like you think I'm an ugly person." Or, "When you put down my style, I feel like you're saying I'm not a good person."
Do your very best to express yourself maturely, without raising your voice or getting angry. After you're done talking, let your mother respond, without interrupting her. If she listened to you, give her the courtesy of listening back.
It may help to ask your mom if she ever felt looked down on by anyone, or made to feel like she wasn't good enough, just because she looked different than someone else. Compare your feelings to hers, and tell that for you, it's just about personal tastes, and you wish it wasn't something you two had to fight about.
Everyone is different - and being an individual is a beautiful thing. Clothing is a great way to express your individuality, and as long as you're appropriate for the situation (not wearing tarty clothes to a family funeral, for instance), and not looking indecent, maybe your mother can cut you a break. I hope that with some honest and heartfelt discussion, you and your mom can get to a place where you can respect each other's rights to have your own personal styles, without anyone bringing anyone else down about it. Good luck.
