Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

I have a best friend who is very dramatic. She gets very angry and upset over little things such as her mom getting "mad" at her. She also is very reactive and overreacts in certain situations. And when she is upset she can really hurt her friends.

For example, at recess today she was upset over some minor family issues and the some boys teasing her when my friend Victoria approached her and asked her what was the matter my best friend screamed "YOU!". I was to shocked for words and after that I walked away trying to comfort Victoria. Many of my friends agree with me because I have talked privately to them about her. My best friends other best friend even agrees with me. I love my best friend and I want her to be happier. She can be great to be around when she's in a good mood but she's very unpredictable. I want to know how to calm her down and how to teach her about controlling her emotions. I am usually good at solving problems without much help but since I really am not a dramatic and reactive person it's really hard to she things from her point of view. Can you help me please?

Dear Writer,

You've talked privately to your other friends, about your BFF. Now I think it's time that you talked directly to her, instead of about her to others, so she can know how you feel.

You might think it's obvious, but your friend might not realize how she's been acting, especially if she's always been like this. Some people just express every feeling that come into their mind, without thinking about how that might affect others around them.

I also want to caution you about thinking that you can "teach" your friend anything. You are her friend and her peer, not her teacher or her mom. She has issues, but you are not perfect either. So don't go into a conversation with your friend thinking you're going to "educate" her about her problems, or change her into a better person. All you can really do is share your feelings, ask her to consider them, and try to lead by example.

So talk to your friend. Put things in a way that makes the problem about you, and not her. You could try saying something like, "I got upset when you yelled before. I really want us all to be able to talk, without yelling at each other." You could also explain that when she yells, it's confusing, because you don't know what is causing the anger, as in, "I got freaked out when you yelled earlier, because I wasn't sure if you were mad, or just upset. Are you okay?"

Do express that you want everyone to get along, and maybe there's a better way for you all to communicate. Make it sound like a group effort, that you can all work towards being better at communicating, and hopefully she won't feel sensitive or that she's being singled out.

Do NOT tell your friend that everyone has been talking about this issue, or use phrases like "everyone agrees with me". That will just make her feel persecuted, like everyone hates her and has been gossiping about her behind her back.

Also let your friend know that if she's going through any stress, or needs to vent about anything, she can always come to you, and you will be there to listen to her, with love and without judgement.

Then after you've talked, give your friend a chance to improve. Know that she won't change overnight, so be realistic and give her time. Use the positive-rewards system, by praising your friend a lot when she deals with situations in a good way, and if she reverts to her yelling, give her the talk again. Hopefully, in time, she'll realize that people like her better when she can express herself in a way that doesn't blast everybody's ears. Good luck!