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Dear Jellybean,
I have this best friend who I always used to be insanely jealous of but now I've gotten more confident and am only a little bit jealous.
It just bugs me the way my friend is good looking and gets all the attention from guys. Like last night we went out and she got with 5 different guys and I didnt get with any guys. She always makes loads of friends too when we go out and this also makes me jealous. Also she usually ignores me when shes with guys, and I cant do the same because guys usually dont go for me! She has more friends than me, guys like her more than me, everyone pays more attention to her than me, shes more sociable than me and shes more intelligent than me. It just seems like she has it all and I'm stuck with nothing comparable to anything of hers. Please help me to become more sociable and confident and get over my (slight!) jealousy of her. Its just that I dont know how much longer I can take being her friend when we go out and she flirts with ALL the guys. But I like her as a friend.
-Genevieve
Dear Genevieve,
It's definitely hard to have a guy-magnet friend, and watch her collect all the boys while you're on the sidelines. It's easy to feel jealous of someone who gets the things that you want for yourself. But jealousy is an ugly emotion... and it doesn't really belong in a true friendship.
Honestly, your friendship should not be a competition. I'm sure your friend doesn't try to be the star, and if people are drawn to her, that's not something "bad" she's doing "against" you. She just happens to be one of those people who others like to be around... including you, obviously, since you're her best friend.
Hopefully, you understand all this, and you don't really hold your friend's popularity against her. Part of real friendship, and maturity in general, is learning to be happy for someone else's successes and gains, without making it all about yourself and what you don't have in comparison. This is totally hard when the person is getting something you'd like to achieve yourself (like attention or popularity), but it's so important to realize that you are in control of your emotions, and you can decide whether to be happy for your friend, or just stew in your jealousy of her.
I hope that you'll choose to take the mature route, and step back and look and the situation differently. It may sound corny, but jealousy and friendship really can't co-exist. When you're in a friendship with someone, you want that person to be happy. You want that person to feel good about herself. You want what is best for her, and she wants the same for you. That's how friendships work. If you're her true BFF, you'll be happy for your friend, in all that she achieves. And you'll take responsibility for your own situation, and stop comparing yourself with her.
Take a long look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are not the same girl as your friend. You are your own person! Individuality is a beautiful thing that you should try to remember that. Remind yourself of all the wonderful things about yourself and not your friend. Also remind yourself that everything is not just about your looks and the guys that like you. It's also about learning to be a good friend and be a good person.
As for getting a guy yourself, it may be that you are too focused on competing with your BFF, and you tend to stay in her shadow - or blame her "guy-magnet" personality when you don't make your own moves on the guys you like. Having a guy-magnet friend can be a good excuse for not taking a chance with guys. But it can also be a benefit, since some of the guys who hover around your friend will be bound to stick around long enough to notice how cute, funny, interesting, etc. YOU are - if you take the initiative to talk to them, and let them get to know you.
There are plenty of guys to go around, so don't put the blame on your friend. If you really believe you can't get any guy attention when you're around her, then don't focus on that when you're hanging out with her. And maybe join some clubs, sports teams or activities without her, to give you a chance to meet and socialize with guys when she's NOT around. That way, you can gain the confidence to be your own person, without just reflecting in your friend's star quality. And you can see how you do when you're on your own.
