Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

One of my best friends is really clingy. Like, she wants to have sleepovers and hang out all the time, even when it's not convenient for me. If she asks to hang out and i have a legitimate reason not to, like I already made other plans, she gets really mad and is like "why don't you want to hang out with me? I've been waiting all week to hang out with you and this is the only day I can!" Usually I apologize a lot and she just goes "whatever" but once she called me something nasty and it started a fight (which I had to resolve while she was swearing at me, by the way). She's going through a lot of crap at home right now, and she really is a good friend, but I feel like I'm being walked on. What can I do to keep her from being clingy without losing her as a friend?

-Crowded by Friend

Dear Crowded,

Clinginess can be an unattractive quality in a friend. But before you assume that it's your friend who is the problem, think hard about whether you are being a good friend to her right now.

You say that your friend is going through "a lot of crap" at home right now. Are you giving her support to help her through that? A big part of being a decent friend is being there for our buds when they're having trouble, even if it means less fun stuff and more hanging around listening to them cry or complain.

So ask yourself: Are you calling your friend less frequently lately to avoid hearing her sob stories? Have you been hanging out with her less often because other people just seem like more fun right now? Do you think she might feel like you don't care about what's happening with her at home, because you seem less available to her these days?

If you can answer "yes" to any of those questions, then I think what you have is not a clingy friend, but a friend who is hurting-times-two - once for whatever is going on at her house, and a second time because her friend - you - is not there for her in the way that she has a right to expect.

Now if you've been an amazing friend to this girl, and have been properly supportive to her (as she would have to be to you, if your situations were reversed), then you can confront the clinginess - but with kindness and caution. Not only does nobody like to be told they are clingy, but your friend is probably over-sensitive because her home situation is bad. In that case, what's needed is to set boundaries.

Setting personal boundaries is all about letting other people know what they can reasonably expect from you. You might want to tell your friend that if you make plans with her you promise to follow through on them, but that unless you do have specific plans together, it's not really fair for her to expect you to put aside blocks of time for her. You do, after all, have your own life, and other friends to see.

However, if this girl is really your friend, along with setting boundaries you still have to be a friend. Meaning, do take the iniative to make plans with her sometimes (don't make her chase after you), and act in a way that - if you do feel like this - lets her know that you genuinely like her and hanging out with her.