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Dear Jellybean,
My friend and I have been getting in a lot of fights recently, and a few days ago we got into a really big one and we aren't really talking anymore... Now I am wanting to become friends with her again because we have alot of fun when we hangout together, and the people she hangs out with are fun to be around and I want to become friends with all of them but I think she is talking crap about me to them... what should I do?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
Fights are a normal part of every long friendship. (If you never argue, someone is not being completely honest). Sometimes these fights are over trivial things, and somethings they're more serious. The bottom line is, it's the way you fight - not whether you fight - that determines whether the friendship will last or not.
You don't say what the fight was about, but if you've stopped talking, it must have been something important. What happens next depends a lot on whether you feel you were at fault or not.
Think back honestly to the fight, and consider whether you were to blame for things getting out of hand. Did you lose your temper? Did you accuse her of something she didn't do, or blow a minor matter up into a big one? Was your friend upset with you for something you did that wasn't very friendly?
If you think you were to blame for your friend being angry, or for the fight getting so big, swallow your pride and make a move to appease your friend. Apologize to her, either in person or in a letter, or do something nice to make amends. Even if you were both to blame, this might be a smart move. Sometimes, it takes one person being "the bigger person" to heal a rift between friends. No fight is worth losing the friendship, if it's a good one.
If it's harder to not be friends with your friend, than to be friends with her, corner her and get a make-up conversation started. It may take a few talks, but if you're really focused on getting the friendship back, you have a good chance. Depending on the intensity of what you fought about, it may take more than one conversation. Just stick to your goal, be patient, and hopefully your friend will relent and agree that she'd rather be friends with you, than be on the outs.
Don't get obsessed with thinking about the "crap" your friend is talking about you to her other friends. That's just a suspicion - because it's what you fear - but you have no facts to back it up. Yes, your friend probably has told her other friends that you're fighting, but for all you know she's whining about the fact that she misses you. Don't let this idea get you angry, or make you think the friendship isn't worth working to save. (Don't talk about your friend behind her back, either. It takes two people to fight - so if you don't participate, you can put the brakes on a lot of potential drama).
