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Dear Jellybean,
I have (had?) this friend. We've been friends since grade 6, but we became best friends in grade 7. We told each other EVERYTHING, she slept over all the time, and she was a really amazing friend for me. She helped me through my parents' divorce, when my dad became an addict. I really loved her as a friend. We made all these plans for our high school years together. But in Febuary of grade 8, when we toured the different high schools, I realized I wanted to go to a school out of my district. You see, I have very big goals for my future, and I'm very focused on my schoolwork and grades. The school I decided to go to just suited me better. My best friend was really upset, but we were convinced we'd stay friends. And, for the first few months of highschool, we were. Then she got a boyfriend. It started slowly; we hung out two or three times a month instead of five or six, she wouldn't call as often....but after a few months, she stopped calling. When I would call her, she'd be busy with her boyfriend. When we DID hang out, all she would talk about was her boyfriend. We're in grade 10 now, and I haven't seen her in months. I spent my entire summer in Arizona, and I saw her once in September. That was three months ago. She hasn't talked to me on MSN for weeks, and she never calls. I miss her. She knows nothing about the things I've been through since we stopped hanging out. I try calling her, but she's always out with the boyfriend. Also, all her old friends say the same thing. We had a lot of the same friends, and they all told me she's stopped hanging out/talking to them. She has no one in her life except her boyfriend. They've been dating for over a year, and I've never even met him. From what I hear, he's nice enough but not good enough for her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy she's found a guy she likes to be with. But I miss my best friend! What can I do? I've tried talking to her about how I feel, but she takes it the wrong way, like I'm accusing her or something. :( Help!
Love,
Chelsey
Dear Chelsey,
Your friend is in the love haze - that period of time when you first fall for someone, and get all wrapped up in being with them and only them. A year is a long time to be in the haze, but it's not completely abnormal. Of course, as her friend, this feels annoying and strange, because nobody likes to feel like they are disposable, or were just filling in until a boyfriend came along. But it's not that unusual, really. And at least you can't take it too personally - your friend is ditching all her old friends, not just you.
In any case, you two were very close once, so it's worth a shot at trying to bring that back. I think you've tried talking to her about your feelings has backfired, because she's defensive about her actions. So I'm going to suggest another approach.
First, call up your friend and invite her AND the boyfriend to a girl-guy get-together. Gather a few friends for a coed venture - to the movies, to a party, or just to hang out and watch holiday movies at your place. Make it clear that there will be other guys there for your friend's boyfriend to talk to, and play up what will be really fun about it. Hopefully, once she realizes you're not against her guy, and are making an effort to include him in your plans, she'll decide to show up.
Don't get worried yet - I'm not suggesting you have to invite your friend's boyfriend along every time, to get her to hang with you. It's just that doing so once or twice might soften her toward you, and make her realize you're on her side, and accepting of her new guy's place in her life.
The other thing you can do - either before or after inviting those two out as a couple - is to let your friend know that you miss her, and want her back in your life more. The trick here is, you have to do it without complaining about how she's been unavailable, or anything else that might seem like an "accusation" to her. Just say something like, "I know you're pretty busy with your boyfriend lately, but I'm kind of missing my best buddy. Can we make time to hang out?" Then suggest a specific time and an activity so it doesn't stay vague. Good luck - I hope you two find your friendship again.
