Myjellybean.com

Dear Little Miss CBW,

I'd really like to help you. However, you don't mention anything about what you're fighting about, how the fights start, or who usually gets angry first... so all I can do is give you some very general tips about getting along with others.

A lot of people who find themselves fighting a lot with others, are insecure. They get defensive when anyone questions them, or says something that's the opposite of what they think, because what they hear is not "You're wrong about this specific thing" or "I have a different opinion", but "You're stupid" or "I don't take you seriously".

If that rings a bell for you, consider whether it's really worth getting upset about the stuff that's causing the fights between you and your friend. Oftentimes, a simple, "Let's agree to disagree" or "Whatever, next topic" is enough to settle an argument.

For that matter, it's also important to understand that not every single fight, or difference of opinion, needs to be argued out. Sometimes, the best thing to do, especially if it seems like you two are on opposite sides of a subject, is just to say, "I guess we just have different takes on this" and leave the subject alone.

Anger is not a bad emotion. It can warn us that something is wrong and needs to be taken care of. For example, you might get angry from hearing a racist joke and calmly explain to the person why it is offensive to you. This can make them reflect on their behavior and change - a very good thing. However, anger becomes unhealthy when you lose control and explode.

We all live in a frustrating world, and we all need to learn how to control or direct the frustration, before it turns into destructive anger. If you get into fights with your friend, because he says things that genuinely hurt your feelings, you need to learn to express yourself in better ways. Shouting and calling names never fixed anything, it just makes a fight worse. Try to calm yourself down before reacting, and then express yourself in a more productive way, by stating what is making you upset, how it makes you feel, and how you'd like things to be different.

If you'd like to learn to control your temper better, here are some tips for doing that:

Silently count to ten. This will at least delay your action for ten seconds, and hopefully it will give you enough time to get your emotions under control.

Think about the fear or frustration that caused the other person to act in a way that upset you.

Try to feel empathy for the person rather than anger. Sometimes compassion calms hostility. If you can't relate to them, think about how pathetic they are for acting that way. Feel sorry for them for being such an idiot, rather than erupting in anger.

If you or someone (or something) you care about is being treated unfairly, try to offer a solution that makes the situation more fair. Use diplomacy to make the situation better, instead of letting your anger make things worse.

Sometimes simply walking away is a great alternative to acting out your anger. That takes a lot of poise and maturity - and it shows others that you have a lot of poise and maturity, too.