Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

I've been trying to break my "friendship" with this girl and she just doesn't get it. I call it a "friendship", because I've been her pity friend since about seventh grade and she seems to think we're BFFs. I tried the whole ignoring thing, but she's just so incredibly persistent and annoying. It also doesn't help that our siblings go to the same school and that we go to the same church, so I'm always running into her. To be completely honest, I can't stand her. And after five years, it's pretty hard to convince someone as (can't think of an adjective) as her that we're not friends.

We're both juniors in highschool, but she's homeschooled (so she doesn't hangout a lot). That was an absolute blessing, or so I thought. It was great for the first few months, because I never saw her and didn't bother answering my phone whenever she called or texted. After a while, maybe a month, I thought she had it in her head that we weren't friends. No... she started calling me at least ten times a day. Then we started seeing each other at church, functions, and she tried to visit me at school. I recently went to a retreat and I knew she was going to be there too, but I didn't think we'd end up in the same group. I hadn't seen her in about three or four months. She was incredibly pissed off at me, but clung to me the whole weekend. I almost threw a fit.

What's even worse is, I don't want to look like a bad person to her family. I like her family and they like me, but I don't want to be friends with her and "tough it out". Our relationship just isn't worth it. I'm so tired of pretending like there's something there.

I must seem like a horrible person for wanting to cut this girl completely out of my life, but when there's nothing there, there's nothing there.

-Alexa

Dear Alexa,

You've tried ignoring her, and you've tried giving hints, and that didn't work. Now there's only one option left to you, if you believe that this friendship is not worth saving: You have to "break up" with your friend.

People think of a break-up as something that's only done in romantic relationships, but it happens in friendships too. Sometimes, for whatever reasons, you need to tell a friend "it's just not working for me" and end the relationship. By the time most girls become adults, they will have dumped at least one friend. It's worth learning how to do it kindly, and properly, to avoid leaving behind bitter feelings or extending your friend's confusion about where your heart lies.

Before you do the breaking up, prepare yourself for what you're going to do. Think about what you want to say, why you're doing it, how you'll deliver the news (over the phone, by email, or in person), and how you'll handle it if your friend starts crying or reacts in some other, unexpected way.

You could call your friend, but it may be easiest for you to do the deed in a letter (either email or the old-fashioned kind). Keep it short and sweet - this is not the time for true confessions, or to explain what's wrong with your friend that is making you want to stop being her friend. Just say something nice about her ("I think you're a good person"), acknowledge that you were friends in the past ("we've shared some good times together"), and then make it clear that you'd like the friendship to end now ("I don't want to be friends anymore").

If you have an idea why you want to "break up" with her, you can give her a simple reason or two ("I feel like we've grown apart" or "I don't feel like our friendship is working anymore"). Do try your best to avoid blaming her, or giving examples that she could argue with you about. The point is to be kind but firm, so there's no room for debate, if your mind is made up to end the friendship.

Realize that you may feel sad, guilty, or relieved - or all three - when you break up with your friend. Even though you want the friendship to be over, you're still saying goodbye to someone, and that's not exactly a cause for celebration. It may bring up surprising feelings in you. Just be sure it's what you want before starting, and then move through the steps as quickly - and with as much compassion - as you can.

As for keeping friendly ties with her family, it may not be possible. Their first loyalty is to your friend, so they may be angry with you, or stop liking you (as much, or at all) after you dump their family member. That's what happens in break-ups, sometimes, and it's just something every breaker-upper has to live with.