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Dear Jellybean,

I've had this friend (let's call her Amanda) for eight years, and we've been best friends for about six of those years. However, for the past few years, we've been having a great deal of problems. For all of elementary school, I was literally her only friend, and she was my only friend too. Then, sixth grade began, and I made about 5 or 6 new friends. Amanda would then constantly ask me why I was ignoring her for these new friends and if I liked them better than her. She was so clingy, and granted, she eventually became friends with them too, but that was just the start of my problems with her.

That same year, I had all sorts of issues. I had a very low self image and I was having all sorts of issues with my parents, school, and life in general that I don't want to get into. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone, but one of my new friends found out. Eventually, my parents found out and called Amanda's parents about it, who immediately told her. Less than a year later, Amanda suddenly turned goth... or at least tried to, writing dark poetry, listening to depressing music, and talking about death all the time. It was obviously fake, and I was so mad, because I know that she has such a nice family and really didn't have any reason to be acting so emo. This continued up until this year. She confided in one of our mutual friends that she was depressed, but even this friend admitted that she thought it was more the music she listens to than anything else. Amanda also told this friend that she purposely tries on different "personality masks" every day just to see how people respond. So she even indirectly admits that this is for attention...

I'm just so frustrated. And she STILL thinks I'm making other friends to avoid her. I do make friends more easily than she does, but I never leave her out when planning anything, so I don't know what her problem is. These past few years with her have been so frustrating, but I'm afraid if I call her out on anything, she'll tell her parents who will call mine and this will be an even bigger and more stressful issue. I DO care about her as a friend, but I don't know how much more I can take. What do I do?

-Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

It sounds like you and Amanda have both grown up a lot, and grown in different directions, during the course of your friendship. That's not surprising, as you're pretty young, and you've been friends for eight years. You've gone from kids to teens, and that's a major transition.

I think you need to be careful about how you judge your friend. It's not for you to say that Amanda was being "fake" when she went emo. Sure, she has a nice family - from the outside - but you have no idea what made her want to express herself that way. (Having been through your own dark period, you should be the first to understand that sometimes, people don't want to "get into" stuff - they want to run away from it, through hiding in a "goth" or other persona). There were/are probably things going on in Amanda's life, and in her emotions, that you have no clue about - whether that is secrets in her family, something that happened to her that she never shared with you, or rejections from peers or guys. Whatever it was, it was real for Amanda - and that is all that matters. People don't start being interested in "depressing" things for no reason - after all, it's much more fun to not be depressed, than to act depressing. If Amanda turned goth, you can bet she did it because it helped her deal with problems she was having, or felt like the right place for her to "be" at that time.

It's great that you continue to include Amanda in your plans, even though you make friends more easily than she does. It really shows your love for her as a friend. I think the frustration you are feeling is totally normal too - you guys are so different, it's bound to create friction, especially since she acts so clingy with you.

My advice to you is, try to deal with this in a mature way, and encourage her to do so too. It will grow up your friendship, which is what has to happen if it's going to last. So tell her you want to talk to her about something, and ask her to hang out one-on-one, where nobody else (including parents) will overhear. Ask her to agree beforehand that you keep your conversation just between you guys, and not make it a topic of conversation for your parents - after all, you can say, you're old enough to deal with minor issues in your own friendship, without involving the adults. Then tell her, in the most kind and loving terms, that you love her, but sometimes it feels like you can't do enough for her, or you feel like she doubts your feelings for her and it makes you feel bad because you do your best to be a good friend - or whatever your feelings are.

Be sure to express your feelings in "I" statements, as in, "I feel frustrated when you say I'm avoiding you, because I invite you to everything". Don't blame her, define her behavior (that means no calling her "clingy" to her face), or judge her style or the music she likes. Acknowledge that you two have changed a lot over the years, and you have become pretty different people, but that you'd still like to be friends. Talk about how you can work together to make your friendship continue, and make it good for both of you.

This may not be an easy conversation - and it probably won't all get sorted out in one talk. But if you two are mature enough, and are both willing to put some effort into the friendship, there is a chance you can keep it. Good luck.