Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

I've been best friends with a girl since we were in the fourth grade, and I was best friends with another girl since the seventh grade. Last year, (eighth grade) the three of us were best friends and did everything together. Last year we had all our classes together, but this year I have none with either girl. They have some classes together, and now they always do stuff together and I'm never included. I called one girl the other night to ask her if she wanted to go to the movies and she said "Oh, I don't know if I can, I'm already going tomorrow so I don't think my parents would let me go tonight too" So I said "oh, that's cool ... who are you going with tomorrow?" and she said "Oh, -insert a bunch of names here, including my other best friend-" They always go to movies together, and the only way I find out about it is when I ask if they want to do something. I called the first girl again yesterday to see if she wanted to hang out, and she said she couldn't because she was grounded. But, the second girl signed into MSN a few minutes ago and both of their names were there, so she just made up an excuse so she wouldn't have to hang out with me. I only ever see them at lunch time, which is hardly ever anymore. They used to wait for me since they were in the same class before lunch and I was in a different one, but they never wait anymore and they always sit with other people at the table, they never sit beside me anymore. And once everyone's done eating, they go off with the popular girls and they always talk about things that I can't join in on, so I end up going with other people that don't ignore me since they do. How can we be friends again???? I really miss them, and every time I find out they did something together that I wasn't told about, it makes my eyes get all watery and I go to my room before anyone else can see me cry. It really hurts, and I miss how close we used to be.

-Lonely and Upset

Dear Lonely and Upset,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's always tough when you feel like people who were so close to you are drifting away. It's even tougher when you're putting all the effort in and they aren't responsive. Growing away from friends isn't uncommon, especially around this age. You are all deciding what you like, who you like... basically finding out who you are. It sounds like your old friends have gotten very close, so presumably they're finding a lot in common. As you say, they talk about things you can't join in on. They have changed since you three used to hang out - and for whatever reason, the differences between you guys as you grow up, are pushing you apart.

I know that it's hard to feel rejected and left out by friends, but I think there comes a point where you have to stop chasing after people, who aren't chasing you back. You have tried your best to keep contact with them, and they've been kind of rude about not making any effort with you. They ignore you and don't include you in conversations, and that is just not friendly at all.

I think that, for better or worse, you need to accept the new reality - that your old friends are different than they used to be, and you and they might not end up being close again, at least not for now. Of course you're going to feel sad about this, but don't get stuck moping and crying. Take charge of your life, and make an effort to start hanging out with new friends - those people who don't ignore you, and treat you with some basic respect.

As you move on from this situation, remember that friendship is always a two-way street. If a friend doesn't try to be a good friend back to you, no matter what your history together, the friendship will crumble. Do your best to be a good friend to the new people you meet and like - but also expect them to treat you well. You deserve no less.