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Dear Jellybean,
I have a problem about being boring. Well, you can say I make good first impressions and people would want to talk to me. But when they get the chance to, I bore them and they lose interest as a friend or potential crush. I do have the confidence to talk to people and try to befriend them, and it always works in the beginning. I’ll start up some idle chat about like school or something, but I can’t seem to keep up good conversation overtime (like... months and years) and a relationship with new people and be funny as well. I’ve lost so many new friends who liked me when they met me (or they just judged me by my appearance), then got bored of me because I’m not that funny and not the easiest person to talk to. Do you have any tips on making good conversation, and how to keep new friends? And possibly how to be funnier? Thank you so much for your help!
Dear Writer,
There is a trick to being a great conversationalist, that always works, and it might surprise you. The truth is, it's not about YOU being fascinating and funny and continually amusing. It is about making OTHER people feel like THEY are fascinating, funny, etc.!
Honestly, the best conversationalists in the world are those who make other people feel important, appreciated, and admired. Watch a great interviewer on TV or on Youtube - anyone from Barbara Walters to Gian Gomeshi - and you'll see that they have this down to a science. When they talk to people, they ask questions, and then they really LISTEN. They express amazement at the feats of others, they laugh at their jokes, they give them positive reinforcement ("wow, you really know a lot about music"), and generally make the people they're talking to feel like the most interesting people in the room. So if you want people to love you, steal this strategy: An interesting person is an interested person.
Why does it work? Though you may feel like everyone is watching and judging you, the truth is, most people are more preoccupied with themselves. Everyone worries about how they are perceived, and how much others like them. So when you make someone feel like you think they're incredibly interesting, they will absolutely appreciate it - and, amazingly, think that you are the interesting one!
So next time you start obsessing, shift the focus and think, how can I make the person I'm talking to feel good? Ask questions about stuff they're into, express a genuine interest in what they say by asking more questions, to show you're curious about them, and give them the opportunity to shine. When you start looking outward - instead of inward - you will find that others connect with you more. You might just develop a rep as a really good conversationalist!
