Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

Ok, I have a friend question. I'm in eighth grade and i met this girl in fifth grade, let's call her Sue. Anyway, for about a year we were good friends. I still had my two other best friends, but Sue and I still hang out a lot. The main thing we had in common was horses, we both love to ride. For a while, it was fine. We hung out, and it was cool. Once we hit middle school we kinda started drifting apart and I started realizing how annoying she can be. She never talks about anything other than horses, it's like that's all she knows. She can also be really rude, and completely tactless. Even though I don't really want to friends with her anymore she is still really clingy. All of my other friends think she is super annoying too. How do i get her to leave me alone without hurting her feelings?

Dear Girl with Clingy Friend,

Getting someone who has been a good friend in the past to "leave you alone" is something that might not happen without some hurt feelings resulting. That's not to say that you can't end the friendship (which, as you say, has already drifted) - just that you can't totally prevent this girl from feeling bad. However, in the interests of helping you feel better about doing it, and minimizing your friend's pain, here are my tips...

Stop and think. Make sure you really want to end the friendship for good - because you might not be able to get it back later, if you change your mind. Be sure you're not just doing it because your other friends don't like her. Have you really stopped liking her as a person, or would you want to stay friends (just not BFFs) if she could change a few small habits?

Is it possible that you could confront her politely about stuff she does that bugs you (such as only talking about horses, or sometimes being rude), or do you feel these are personality traits that wouldn't change? If you've never tried talking to her about it, maybe you should, since there's a possibility she doesn't know, and would be willing to change. However, if you have tried already, and nothing is different, maybe it's time to move on.

It sounds like you two already hang out with some different people. Keep that up, and make sure you don't invite her to everything. Say that you're busy or have other plans whenever this friend tries to get together with you. This way, you guys will spend less time together and naturally be less close.

Don't talk about stuff you'll do together in the future. Don't make promises. If she talks about future stuff, just say "Maybe" or "We'll see."

Keep your conversations short. When you see her, don't talk as much as you usually do. Answer with one or two words and make small talk, rather than getting into deep conversation. Cut short horsey conversations by saying things like, "Anyway, enough about horses." Or excuse yourself after a minute of talking by saying you have stuff to do, or somewhere to be, and get out of there.

If you sit with this friend at lunch, try to stop doing that, at least sometimes. Get to the lunchroom a bit late, then walk to another table with another friend. Don't make eye contact with your other friend. Fill up the seats around you with other people, so if she wants to sit at your table and you can't say no, at least it won't be right beside you.

If you have classes with this friend, make a point of sitting with other people sometimes. If your seats are assigned, ask the teacher after school or class if you can move to another seat. You can always say it's because you want to boost your grades, and find it hard to concentrate because your friend talks to you in class.

Make yourself scarce. Get interested in clubs or activities without her involved, or get really interested in a hobby or schoolwork. Hang out with other friends or family. Be "busy" when she calls, and less available to hang out.

Don't send her mixed signals. If you're acting distant and then you call her or want to hang out, she'll think you still want to be friends. Stick to being polite but not super-friendly, and let her get the message.

Don't make a conflict where there isn't one. If you do all of the above, and the friendship seems to be on its way out, don't bother telling her directly that you don't want to be her friend anymore. Just continue with what you're doing, and eventually the friendship will fade naturally. You'll save hurt feelings and stress, even if it takes a bit longer.

If nothing works, and your friend is still being as clingy as ever after all this, you might have to be direct. In that case, let her down easily and do your best to be kind. You could say something like, "I feel like we don't have anything in common anymore, and I would like to hang with other people from now on." Or, if the "nothing in common" tack seems fake, you could also say, "Look, you're a nice person, but I don't want to limit myself to just you, and I feel like we shouldn't hang out for a while."

-Girl with Clingy Friend