Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

One of my friends "Amy" just broke up with her boyfriend of almost a year. He doesn't go to the same school as us, but he has visited many times and we became friends. With Amy's permission, I sent a note to her ex saying that I hoped we could still be friends and that I was there if he needed someone to talk to. I have always been the kind of person that people tell things to, and I don't mind listening. It has now been a few days and I am still trying to convince him that it is over and that he needs to move on. He wants so badly to at least be friends with her because he can't stand being out of her life. The thing is, before this event I didn't really know him very well. I don't mind listening, but it worries me that I seem to be the only one that he is talking to. I am very busy with school, work and various other extra-curriculars and cannot be there for him every second of every day. I just don't know what to do. I have never been through a breakup before, so it is not even like I can draw from personal experiences. I am just at a loss of what I am supposed to do. I'm willing to help, but I have finals coming up in a week and I need to concentrate on school!

Dear Writer,

You're in a bit of an awkward situation. First of all, you're spending a bunch of time talking to your friend's ex. Even if you are just trying to be helpful, and you have no more-than-friendship feelings for him whatsoever, your friend would be only human if she started developing some suspicions and jealousy about you.

Second of all, you volunteered your friendship to this guy, and told him you were there for him. Now you're finding you don't like what that entails, and you want to withdraw your offer.

So where to start? I think you have to deal with both issues head-on.

First, talk to the guy in question about your feelings. Let him know that you wish him the best, but you're suddenly swamped with your own stuff, including studying for finals, and you might not be available to him for a while. Tell him to take care, wish him well, and encourage him to confide in his parents and his guy friends, but be clear that for at least the next little while, he shouldn't ask you to be there for him, because you need to focus on your own life at present.

Second, talk to "Amy", as a precaution against weirdness developing between she and you. Tell her that her ex was becoming a bit of a burden to you, so you told him you couldn't be there for him to confide in anymore. She'll be relieved that you see him as a pain (rather than as an attractive single guy who you enjoy hanging with), and she'll also know that if she wants the inside scoop on what he's thinking and doing, she'll have to find another source, or just ask him about it.