Myjellybean.com

Dear Jellybean,

so i have this friend, megan, whom i have known since maybe seventh grade. last summer, we did an intense summer program that kind of forced us to become really close, even though that was one of the only things we had in common. after that ended, i thought everything was ok. we became really close friends for some reason, and i became her wing man. basically, she needed me to need her for things. she needed me to be dependent on her. now megan is a naturally aggressive and pretty mean person; she does have some good traits but she can be really mean to people to their faces for no reason other than so she can feel superior to everyone else. i am Not exaggerating when i say she draws you in...i stood by last fall and winter watching her hurt people i care about, which i know was wrong. after christmas break, I realized that she wasnt a nice person, and it became veryy unhealthy for me to be friends with her. needless to say, when i started pulling away she became brutal, especially towards me. she'd talk about me behind my back and act very immaturally. our lives cross too much to completely cut her out of my life, but i dont want to be bff's with her- i wouldnt mind saying hi if i sa her but i only want to be somewhere beetween friends and aquaintances. shes starting to get the point but i need to know how to distance myself from this veryy clingy girl while still having us on "acceptable terms" aka: not fighting! oh and i have tried confronting her, trust me its no good. oh and i am having a birthday party at the end of the month, and i dont really wanna invite her but my friend thinks i should i just really sont want to. is it really wrong of me not to invite her if we are "aquaintances"

-Troubled

Dear Troubled,

I think you are very wise to put some distance between yourself and this girl. From what you say, she's a toxic person who is not adding much good to your life, and has become a drain on your emotions.

There's a big distance between "distancing" and "dumping" though. As you say, this girl is intense and vindictive. If you don't invite her to your birthday party, her feelings will naturally be hurt, and she is likely (from what you tell me) to overreact, stepping up the backtalk and aggressive behavior. In other words, it could start a feud that lasts a long time.

So invite her to your party - but that's all. At the party, make no effort to spend time with her, or involve her in what's going on. Leave her to do that for herself. There will be tons of people to talk to, and it's your party, so you have the great excuse that you "have to mingle" and talk to everybody. If it's a dinner table situation, make placecards for your guests and be sure to seat this girl as far away from you as possible. If she asks you why, just tell her your mom helped you plan the placecards, and/or that you really thought she'd enjoy talking to whoever you placed her beside.

Outside of the party, be friendly to her when you see her, but not too friendly. After a minute or two of chatting, make an excuse for why you have to leave (homework, bathroom, going to talk to a teacher, whatever), and then leave. Keep your conversations nice, but more "polite" than overly friendly. Spend lots of time with other friends, and get involved in new things (such as after-school clubs and activities) that she isn't in on, so she can't complain that you're excluding her. Do all this for a while, and eventually, you two will drift apart. Hopefully she'll drift away to new friends who she can dominate, and leave you alone.