I just had a sudden realization of the truth. :O perhaps what i felt when i was with He- who- must- not-be-named was the once in a lifetime love that you read about in books like The Notebook and Wuthering Heights. But at the same time i wonder how he could be so stupid as to let me go and leave me all alone with memories and questions as to what went so wrong. I dont deserve this. I dont deserve to have to make myself feel pretty because he made me feel ugly. How long will it be until i find happiness again. Cause i will move on whether it is with you or without you. And that feels good.

So christian thinks im really pretty and i am going to ask him out today cause i will be ungrounded this weekend and i might get to go to the movies. And i really really wanna see the Lion King again. gosh im such a dork. :P but i really really really want Christian to be mine. Because i think he is the resolution for these thought that keep reoccuring about Anthony. I just want him to make me feel better. I want him to make me laugh and put that smile on my face that used to pracically be pasted there when i was absolutely and irrevocably happy. I want him to be the one person that i think about. I just want him. ALL of him and i want it to be all MINE.

Sometimes i wonder if Anthony hadnt blown me off and destroyed my heart.....would we have been someone and.....would i have been into Christian like i am now? HMMMMM.... who knows? :\