My Jelly Bean


I should be studying for finals.

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by on December 16, 2007 at 11:33 AM (1531 Views)
Sometimes I really like it here. The ivy-covered buildings, the extra-frothy cappuccinos, the stadium-style lectures and the brick buildings. I like seeing at least one familiar face on my walk to class at 8:15 in the morning. I like getting corrected papers and exams back at the end of class. I like knowing that I will graduate with a degree with some sort of merit. I like waking up in the morning and seeing the New England snow covering the big maple outside of my window. I've lived in Massachusetts all of my life, but being here is so much different from the rest of the state. This campus is self-contained, and even though we can wander downtown whenever we want, sometimes it's just better to stay on our domain and absorb it all. If I don't feel like studying in my bedroom or living room, I can go downstairs and sit by the fireplace. If I don't like it there, I can sit in the window seat that overlooks the road. Or, I can walk a few hundred yards and end up at the art library. It's pretty modern-looking, but I love the little red cushioned seats and the sparkling oversized windows. If I get bored there, I can go to the other library, which is at least one hundred years old, but still gorgeous and rustic-looking. In a nutshell: I really like this place and I can see myself changing so much already.

I think that's what the problem is. My friends from home have lost their "appeal," and I find myself scrutinizing their flaws whenever we come into contact. A couple of weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend Jay e-mailed me and said he was sorry for everything he did. Now we're hanging out on a regular basis, but I just don't feel the same way about him as I did when I was in high school. He hasn't changed at all, but I know I have. He told me that I seem "stronger now," and that he's missed me so much since we broke up in March. He's sleeping over on Wednesday and I know how that's going to end up, but I just don't want him to think that everything is going to be as it was. I don't want to have a serious boyfriend anymore. I want to enjoy what I have here and not have to worry about missing his phone calls. I don't want to feel bad for going to a party at Amherst, and I certainly don't want to waste my time missing him when I'm in New York this January. I just want him to understand that I've changed, and that this relationship, or whatever it is that we've got now, will not consume my life as it has before.

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