**** it. I am obviously not capable of being in a relationship, not now. He is an ass, and obviously I cannot get a good bf, and I don't deserve this. I just wish I could be in a relationship for longer than a week. I would love for the feeling of something substancial, but I know that he doesn't give me any security whatsoever. I just don't like the single life. Everyone talks about all the flirting you can do and whatnot, but it isn't even that great. But I hate him. I HATE him. He's ...

I'm trying to keep a journal for the New Year New You contest/weightloss program on JB. The first day wasn't so great. My mom had got some chicken from some local place yesterday, but I wasn't home so I was forced to eat it today. Also, there was this red velvet cake at my aunt's house (my weakness) but I only had a small sice, which was still probably around 150-200 calories. I was busy all day so I couldn't exercize, but I will tomorrow. I did overlook pepsi for water, yay. I have to take ...

My year:
January:
Went out with raging alcoholic.
Drank heavily and started cutting (again)
Went out with pothead.

Feburary:
Had the best night ever (too bad it revolved around something superficial)
Got into it w/ mom (dad's fault)

March:
Broke up with pothead.
Got all depressed.

April:
Stopped cutting/being depressed.
Tried to be happy.

May:
I can't remember ...

I had a dream last night. I was in Chemistry class, and my ex crush was there. Wierdly enough, I used to have Chemistry with him, but I got my schedule changed, not because of him, though. Anyway, I was sitting on his lap and we were making out, right in the middle of class. So my chemistry teacher said something sarcastic (as always) and I said something sarcastic right back at him. The whole class laughed, and then he was whispering about how he was sorry about being an ass and whatnot. ...

Most nights, I have dreams that I am blind or that my vision is blurred. I looked it up on the Dream Dictionary to find out that I can mean that I am not seeing the truth, or basically that I am living in denial. I have no clue what this means, I try to have a straightforward approach to life. So I am trying to analyze my life and how I can be living in denial. It may have something to do with my choice in boyfriends, because they are idiots and I see right through that.

I think ...