MEAN GIRL

Dear Jellybean,

I have this problem with a totally mean girl at school, she calls me names, whispers about me to other people, she has also hurt me a couple of times. she always says mean things about me( she's just plain mean). i can't get any one to believe me because she's alrigh to me when they are around. i'm afaid that if i tell , she will turn my fiends against me. My parents and sister seem to like her as well and i am like soo totally trapped by her. I'm afaid to tell, but his has gone on for about four years now and i want it to stop soon. I have stood by for too long and ito put an end to it before it gets any worse. But how can i do that while still feeling like the better person.
Luv, totally stuck 4 life

Dear Totally stuck,

Aside from carrying a tape recorder to catch her mean comments "on the record", there may not be any simple way to prove to other people how mean this girl is. However, that doesn't mean you have to put up with her catty comments and insults. Here are a couple of strategies for dealing with Ms. Mean...

First, you could try killing her with kindness. I find that with nasty people, sometimes the best trick is to be ultra-sweet to them... and I mean sickeningly sweet! If they say something negative, you just give them a sunny, positive comment in return. If they say the world is terrible, you talk about sunshine and bunny rabbits (not actually, but you get the idea).

Do this with the mean girl. After a few times, she may start to realize how incredibly negative she must look in comparison to you, especially when she sees the positive attention you are getting for always being nice and friendly and happy. Plus she'll notice you're not getting upset by her comments and names, which is how she's getting her jollies. And since she may be jealous of you and trying to bring you down a peg, if you prove you are unfazed by her remarks, she may stop bothering to make them.

Don't worry about proving to others what this girl is "realy" like. Instead of running around trying to set the record straight, play it cool! If she whispers about you to people, and the gossip gets back to you, laugh lightly and say something like, "Is THAT what's going around about me? I wonder why some loser would go to so much trouble to spread a lie?" This does two things: It shows people that you have nothing to hide because you are not acting defensively, and it puts the burden back on the gossip-spreader by making others wonder if they have is a hidden agenda (or just nothing better to do).

You could also turn the tables on her. This involves saying to your friends (the ones she whispers to), "Have you heard what so-and-so is saying about me? What a joke!" and do it with a smile. Always sound calm and confused, never bitter and resentful. If anyone asks if the rumor is true say, "No of course not, but does it really matter what I say? I just wish I knew why so-and-so started this one in the first place." If it is true, omit the "No" and just say, "Does it really matter what I say? I just wish I knew why so-and-so spread this around in the first place - it seems so mean!"

Whatever you do, don't openly confront this girl when others are around. That's probably what she hopes for - that you'll cause a scene and look stupid, or crazy. The person who goes on the offensive often ends up looking bad, even if they're right. Plus, yelling at her will only make her feel she is justified in being mean in the first place.

If you do feel like you have to talk to her about spreading venom, wait until you are calm and nobody else is there to witness it. Get her alone and in a smiling, calm way, say something like, "Hey, I really don't see why we can't be friends. But I get the feeling you have a problem with me. Am I right?" This is a really mature approach - so if she's a baby, it won't work. But it will show her that you're grown-up enough to stand up for yourself, and address the issue. If she keeps acting mean after that, just go back to the tactics above. Good luck - I hope this all works out for the best!