Dear Jellybean,
I feel like I am being picked on a lot. People constantly tease me and sometimes I go along with it, but sometimes deep down it really hurts my feelings. Sometimes, I even begin to think they are teasing me because of my ethnicity or my physical apperance (do you think it's true?) I also think they tease me because they KNOW I am an easy target and that I won't blow up in their faces or anything, but sometimes I DO end up blowing up in their faces and then people avoid me like the plague. People always tell me I "set myself up" or I'm an easy target for teasing, but how do I become more assertive and comfortable with myself WITHOUT taking myself so seriously? (in other words, how do I get people to stop teasing me without acting really uptight) What is the line to cross between allowing people to tease you playfully and serious teasing?
Thank you,
Tired of being teased
Dear Tired,
That's a good question: When does playful teasing become serious teasing? The answer depends on the motives of the teasers. If these people genuinely like you, and are just having a bit of fun, then it's possible you're taking things too seriously. But if they have a bias against you (whether it's dislike, or a superficial reason like your appearance or ethnicity), then their motives are less than kind, and the teasing is meant to hurt.
When you say "people" constantly tease you, I wonder if you're talking about true friends, or just kids you sort of know. Either way, your question holds the solution to your problems.
You say that people are teasing because they know you're an easy target - and I think you're right. I suggest trying a new approach to this problem. (The one you've been using - trying not to blow up, and then blowing up - is obviously not working). For the next little while, tell yourself that you're not going to react to teasing, or that you're going to turn it back on the other person with humor.
For instance, someone calls you a name. You could:
-Look at them, roll your eyes like what they said is so stupid, and walk away slowly, showing it didn't affect you.
-Look at a friend you're walking with and roll your eyes, as if to say, how immature is that person who just spoke.
-Say, "I'm sure you don't really mean that" (if you think the person is a friend, and you want to make them think about how they made you feel).
-Say, "Look who's talking."
-Say, "I may be (whatever their insult is - weird, hairy, etc), but I'll grow out of it. You'll be a jerk all your life."
-Say, "Why don't you put that in an email to me, so I have a record of it."
You get the idea - and it's more about attitude than what you actually say. You might have to fake being confident for a while, until it feels real, but you MUST start standing up for yourself. This will send a signal to others that you may be nice, but you're not a pushover. Good luck!
