Dear Jellybean,
me and my mom fight. ALOT. we always fight. i mean having an argument. over even the teensiest of things. at night sometimes i cry myself to sleep because of how unfair she is. and our arguments are mostly about chores. she expects me to do all the work and study and babysit all at once. i have 5 brothers and NONE of them do anything. well, they do do sum chores but thats like once a week and its like the smallest job. if i ask her for anything she makes a big deal out of it and asks me that wasnt giving birth to you enough?raising you?this and that? i love her to death and i know its tough for her to have to raise 6 kids and also her moms sick and on the verge of death but she doesnt have to take it all out on me. my point is why do u think my mom yells and screams soo much and is so unfair? she always says i have to do the work because im a girl and thats the way SHE grew up. do u think thats why she treats me differently?because im a girl?she lets all my bros have hours on the internet while im only alowed to have like an our or half an hour.
i dont mean to make it look like such a big deal because sumtimes i feel like it is and sumtimes it isnt.because my mom will be happy one minute and angry the other.
and it isnt only my mom. my dad expects so highly of me. he expects me to "take over" as he puts it, and run the house hold instead of my mom while getting good grades all the time. he says if i dont accomplish all this then after one year (when i become 15)he'll find me a husband and get me married.
my parents grew up in east africa. thats where stuff like this REALLY happens. and my dad is mostly serious. they both think im so spoiled and i think they are just old fashioned. thats not how things go on nowadays.i want to make them understand that but they never EVER listen! how do i make my parents understand that theyre putting me under too much stress without making them angry.
Thanks,
Osob
Dear Osob,
Life is funny. When your mom was growing up, she probably hated being the one who had to do everything, just because she was a girl. Now she has her own family, and she's repeating the pattern because it's "how she grew up" - and she has lost touch with that feeling of unfairness that she probably experienced every time she was asked to do more than her share.
Yours is a tough problem, because changing a parent's view on life is a very tall order. Also, if your parents grew up in households where they had less money and opportunities than you have today, they are always going to think you're complaining for nothing, because you're complaining about having more than they ever did.
Right now, you are butting heads with your parents, and this is not going to lead to happiness for anyone. They'll just yell about how they are right, you'll yell about how you are right, and everyone will believe they are right, and nobody wins.
So in the interests of getting a different result, I'll suggest that you try a different approach. First, I wonder if it's possible to get your mom back in touch with the feelings she had when she was your age? Instead of fighting against her, try - when she has a minute in her incredibly busy and stressful life - to see if she'll sit down and talk with you about her life. Ask her questions about what she was like at your age, what her parents and other family were like, what a typical day was like for her, how she felt about it, what her biggest goals were, how she thought she'd do things the same or differently when she had her own family, and so on.
The key here is not to fake interest, but to really BE interested in your own mother. Get her talking - if you can, you will learn a lot about how she became the woman she is today, and gain insight into why she sometimes acts in ways that don't make sense to you.
At the same time, if you're lucky, tapping into these feelings from her youth will also remind your mom of how hard it is to be your age, and having so much responsibility, and maybe you two can eventually take the conversation onto that level. At the very least, she'll believe that you see her as a woman and a person, not just a mom, and that is bound to deepen and enrich your relationship - which could also lead to better treatment for you.
Your dad is asking a lot of you for your age - running a household with 6 kids is no easy task for a two-parent unit, let alone one 15-year-old. He obviously has some very old-fashioned ideas about a girl's role in society, and in the family. You will probably have to go along as well as you can with his wishes, while you live in his home. Just be honest with him when you are feeling overwhelmed - if you don't know how to do something, tell him so and ask for his help, or ask your mom. Act like you want to help, but need help to do so, and maybe they'll be easier on you. I hope so.
In any case, keep in mind the expression that "you catch more flies with sugar than with honey". Meaning, if you want to express your feelings and be heard, don't yell or complain. Start with a little sweet talk - as in, "You work so hard mom, and I know you're stronger than me and probably wouldn't be stressed about this, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all my responsibilities and I'm not sure if I can handle them without falling apart." Talk about your feelings and how they affect you - not how others are making your life miserable - and it will be easier for them to listen. And notice how I threw some compliments in there - those always help too!
Finally, in all of this, please do NOT neglect your studies or let your grades fall. Good grades are your ticket to a good education, and maybe - if you want it - a ticket away from home and expectations, and into a new future where you set your own hopes, goals and priorities for your life.
