WANTS TO BE BETTER FRIENDS WITH MOM

Dear Jellybean,

I want to be better friends with my mom. We never talk anymore, and when I try to confide in her or just get through to her she makes it clear that I am the child and she is the parent.period. Lately I've been really depressed and never happy. She just thinks that I'm being moody or blames it on pms. I need to find a way to talk to her and tell her how I feel. I want us to spend more time together. Please help me find a way to get through to her.
-All Alone

Dear All Alone,

It's strange... most parents complain that their kids never confide in them. Meanwhile, here you are trying to confide in your mom, and you feel that she isn't listening. I can see why you are feeling frustrated. The thing is, your mom may have grown up herself with strict parents (which would explain a lot), and she got the example from them that there's only one way to be a mom, which is to lay down the rules with no discussion. I'm sure that your mom loves you a lot, she just thinks that being a good mom is something different than you do.

Often, parents and kids just have issues of miscommunication. Parents think that they're listening and showing you that they care, but you don't feel that they are. I think that you might benefit from talking to your mom about how you feel. Ask her if she really is listening, and if she really cares about what you have to say. Explain that you'd like to feel as if you could go to her with any problem or worry, and she would listen and help you get through it. Tell her you trust her advice more than your friends, because she is older and wiser, but that sometimes you feel like she isn't listening when you try to confide in her. Hopefully this will get her attention, and she'll start putting more effort into showing you she cares about your feelings and concerns. Because I'm sure she does care - she's your mom and she loves you.

I also know that parents just don't think like teenagers, and they find it hard to relate - just like you might find it hard to understand why your mom acts the way she does sometimes. You can do yourself a big favor by not starting any arguments. If your mom says your feelings are just due to PMS, instead of getting angry, quietly tell her, "I guess I'll have to talk to someone else about it then" and go away. Maybe this will make her realize that you really do have something important to say. If you're mature enough to keep cool and not let things escalate into an argument, it will go a long way to improving communication. Following your parents 'rules will also go a long toward showing them you're doing your part to be a good family member.

Communication is a two-way street, and your mom and you both have to be trying to understand each other. Maybe your mom is just having trouble knowing how to do that with you. Remember, your mom hasn't been a teenager for a long time. She might forget how incredibly hard it can be sometimes. She might think your life is easy since you're "just a kid." Maybe she thinks you're always making a mountain out of a molehill, because she's already gotten past that part of her life and she's focused on adult concerns now.

I hope that by talking to your mom honestly about the way you feel, you can help her to communicate with you better. Listening to her when she talks to you is also really important. But your mom just might not be able to be the kind of "friend" mom you want her to be. This is when your friends come in. Your friends are in the same place as you in their lives - they're teens, trying to figure out who they are and where they belong in this world. You have some pretty major issues in common, and they can be great people to turn to when you have issues. It's weird that you might be able to relate to friends better than to your own parents... but sometimes that's just the way it is.

You might want to show your letter (and my answer) to your mom, to help her understand what you're going through. It's up to you. I notice that you didn't say anything about your dad in your letter... does he listen to you when you talk to him? If your dad is more open to what you have to say, you might try talking to him about this and getting his viewpoint. Good luck with this.