Dear Jellybean,
i'm kind of stuck in this situation that's overtaken my life. i've lived in this small 'american' town out of the u.s. and my school and community is really small. i've been here six years now and i've made some friends, or more like stuck in a 'group' of friends. the problem is, recently i just can't connect with them anymore. we have different senses of 'fun', and i've come to prefer being alone than being with them. i avoid most situations being with them, but now they just call me 'depressed', 'loner' and 'antisocial'. it's really hard to make other friends here, since everyone has a 'group'. i tried telling them how i feel, but they just laugh it off and joke with it. i don't really care anymore, but here are my two questions:
firstly, how do i "break it off" with them? like just let go? it's really hard and being straight forward hasn't helped and everyone else expects me to be friends with them.
secondly, next year i have to go off to high school, since there's no high school in the system i go to. there's a high school that's near, where my "friends", other people from my school, and i have been accepted, and where my parents expect me to go. or, like a lot of other kids, i could go to boarding school. i was planning if i go through the torture of one year in the near-by high school, then go finish the last two years of high school in a boarding school with a fresh start. the problem here is my mother. my father supports me only if i get good grades and act responsible. my mom says no, reasoning that boarding school is not the proper place for a girl. she loves my "friends" and tells me to get over my selfishness and just be friends with them, while i ache to go to somewhere new. i've tried being as responsible as possible; how do i convince her?
Thanks truly!
-Long to be Gone
Dear Long to be Gone,
I'm going to deal with your second question first, and your first question second. You've thought this out very rationally, and I think your idea of going to boarding school to get a "fresh start" sounds like a very mature approach to an annoying social problem.
Since your dad is supportive, why not get his help to book an appointment with the school you're eyeing? Your mom may not like the idea of boarding school, because she has old-fashioned or wrong ideas about what it's like. A visit to the school, and a chance to talk to the teachers and see student life in action, might change that.
You should also recognize that part of your mom's reluctance to let you go to boarding school, is probably a reluctance to let you go, period. I'm sure she loves you very much, and hates the thought of you going so far away, where she'll only get a chance to see you at school breaks and major holidays. Ask your dad if that might be the case, and if so, ask him how to talk to your mom about all this, without making her scared that she'll "lose" you.
That's the practical stuff. But I do have to mention that sometimes, losing interest in "fun" stuff and becoming alienated from old friends, can be signs of depression. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case - maybe you're just more mature than your old crowd, or are growing in a different direction - but all that longing to be alone might be a danger sign that something is off in your emotions. If that rings a bell with you at all, do a little checking to make sure that it's not depression that's making you feel this way. Talk to a school guidance counselor, visit your family doctor to discuss it, or take a quick online test that's meant to help you identify depression, like the one at this link.
As for your first question, about breaking things off with your friends now, don't. There's no nice way to say to a group of people, "I don't like you anymore, go away." They're people with feelings after all, and they're not employees that you can just dismiss when they're no longer useful to you. If you want to skip a gathering, do so, with or without an excuse. There's no rule that you have to join in things you don't find fun or interesting. But do make an effort to either find new people to do things with, or find treatment for depressive feelings if that's what is going on, because simply sitting at home alone is no solution to the situation you find yourself in now.
