VERY STRICT PARENTS

Dear Jellybean,

I have very strict parents. They feel a need to control every aspect of my life, and I hate it! My mom is always asking me if my homework is done and trying to make schedules for me. If I did not do well in school I would understand this. But Jellybean, I get straight A's and have a 4.0 grade average!!! I rarely get to do things with friends, and I have not done anything to make my parents mistrust me. I'm going to be a virgin until I'm married, and I have never had any interest in alcohol or drugs. I'm sixteen and I want to be more in control of my life. Whenever I try to talk to my mom about this she gets very upset and starts yelling at me, telling me that I am selfish and irresponsible and that I am her responsibility and if she didn't make all these rules for me where would I be? But like I said, I have a 4.0, I go on mission trips and I feel she is being unfair to me! How do I get her to give me a chance, and stop controlling my entire life? Please help!
-Not allowed to grow up

Dear Not allowed,

Parents often make strict rules not only to protect their kids, but also because they have trouble dealing with the fact that their children are growing up and need a degree of independence. Since you were born, your parents have been providing for you and protecting you. Now you are a young woman and you probably feel different - older and more mature - but that doesn't automatically mean that your parents see you in a different light.

Your folks love you and want to keep on protecting you from getting into any trouble. They also want you to have a successful life, so they naturally want you to work hard and stick to a schedule and learn while you’re in school. But it’s my opinion that your parents should also realize that while you are still young, you have a normal desire to take part in the healthy social activities of your peers, not just be a homework robot who goes to school and eats and sleeps and has no fun. The trick is to get them to believe you can have fun, without jeopardizing your studies or putting yourself in danger of getting on "the wrong track."

You have tried talking to your parents and so far it hasn't worked. They may be disregarding what you say because you're "just a kid" - or maybe you don't know how to talk to them effectively. I suggest setting up a "meeting" with your parents to talk. Ask them if you can have half an hour of their time, and set a specific time and place - such as the family room, after dinner tomorrow.

Make a point-form list of what you want to say at the meeting. This will help you to organize your thoughts clearly, and it will also help you remember everything you want to say. Try to think about what is really bothering you: Are you feeling exhausted because you have too many family activities (like mission trips) on your schedule? Do you want more freedom in choosing which extra-curricular activities you do? Do you want them to let you do more things on your own, without them being there to watch you? Write down all your issues on your piece of paper and bring it to the meeting.

When you have the talk with your parents, ask them if they can listen to what you have to say, with no interrputions. Then promise to let them respond, without interrupting them. The key to making them listen is to speak CALMLY. Speak slowly and quiety, and be mature. Don't get dramatic, like accusing them of ruining your teenage life. Just stick to your specific wants and explain them in a grown-up way.

Then it's time for you to listen. That means not rolling your eyes, sighing, ignoring or interrupting your parents. Really LISTEN and hear what your parents have to say to you. If they tell you that you're too young for the things you want, ask them how you can prove their maturity and earn more trust. If they have any ideas, jump at the chance! Offer to do chores, have a set time for doing homework each night, or whatever they want. If you can do something practical to prove your maturity and trustworthiness, that's great... because if you do it well, then they'll have to reward you with more freedom.

If this doesn't work and your parents still won't budge, or offer you solutions for how to win more freedom, it might be time to call in adult help. You could ask an aunt, an older sibling, a friend's mother or even a trusted teacher to help you figure out this situation and maybe talk to your parents about it with you. Good luck.