Dear Jellybean,
My parents are divorced and my dad has a girlfriend. I really like her and her kids, and my dad is really happy, but my mom (who i live with) has nothing but bad things to say about her. I tried talking to my mom about it, but she got mad at me and said that she never said anything bad about my dad's girlfriend. My mom and dad fight about her all the time and it really bothers me. I love my mom, but i just don't agree with what she says sometimes.
-Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
You sound like a very mature and thoughtful young woman. You should never be involved in fights between your dad and mom - their problems are between them, and aren't really your business (or your problem). But of course, when your mom says bad things about someone who you like, and who is now a part of your immediate family, it's bound to cause anxiety for you.
I think your mom is reacting to her situation, without really thinking about how what she says might affect you. I also think that none of us likes to hear general statements about what's wrong with us. So telling your mom, "You always talk badly about (your stepmom's name)" isn't going to go over so well. Your mom just gets defensive, and says she would never do such a thing - which isn't true, but it's a natural way to react.
My advice to you is, instead of talking in generalities to your mom, address specific issues in the moment. Speaking up right after your mom says something that troubles you is key. So the next time your mom badmouths your stepmom, or makes a little dig at her, open your mouth! Tell your mom, "What you just said really bothers me" and tell her why. If your mom protests, just say, "I know it's hard for everyone, but I really just want to be happy and not have any fighting."
Your mom wants you to be happy too, I promise you. She may not realize how all this tension is stressing you out. Or she might just be distracted by her own concerns and issues right now. She could also be scared that if you get close to your stepmom, that somehow you'll love her less. In any case, help your mom to improve the way she communicates her feelings to you, by speaking up right away when you feel bad about something.
Hopefully, your mom will pay attention to what you're saying (especially if you say it in a respectful way), and she'll start to notice that there's a pattern to her conversation that is doing you some damage. If all else fails, show your mom the letter you wrote to me, and my answer. It might be a reality check that this really is a big problem for you.
