MOM DOESN'T LIKE HER STYLE

Dear Jellybean,

My mom and I have never been "close". We have always nipped and snapped at eachother, but lately it has been getting worse. About a year ago i told her how i wanted to be and that I did not really like the clothes she was making me wear (i go for a skater/punk look). She had been getting me skirts and frilly clothing and I did really have a problem with it, but i hadn't told her anything till that day. When I explain to her the style I was into she litteraly freaked out. Yelling at me, "Why?" and "You should be more like your sister. She never complained about clothes." then she stomped off to her room and wouldn't talk to me for a week. I later tried to talk to her again, this time asking what was wrong with the clothes I liked. I guess it was a bad idea, because she was in tears this time. Then she had tears in her eyes and said " I don't want you dressing that way. your going to end up in trouble and hanging out with the wrong kind of people." Then she went back into her room. I told my dad what happend then he talked to her, and she then let HIM take me shopping. Well i had been skateboarding for about a yesr before that night. We moved that year and i met some great friends who my mother did not aprove because they dressed "scary". I told her that they were truely good people and have never been into big trouble. she just shook her head. My brother broke my skateboard later on. She said "good I don't want you doing that crap anyway" i asked her why not and she told me that it was bad and was going to get me into trouble one day. I then asked her what she would rather have me do. she said i had been a really good dancer (she made me dance for 5 years before i blew up and told her i did not enjoy dance) I explained my feelings about dance and then i was reminded once again my sister was better than me anyway. So now whenever I see her she is yelling at me about my friends, or that my shirt is too dark, or that my sister is much prettier than me..... please help me. what do I do she took away the thing that I loved to do the most. and now I am not good enough for her.
-Fed up

Dear Fed up,

This is a tough one. Your mom is seriously not getting who you are as a person, and even though you've tried really hard to share with her what's important to you in terms of style etc., she is not understanding it.

Why is your mom acting like this? For one thing, she is clearly old-fashioned when it comes to the ways she thinks girls are supposed to dress. For another, she is worried that your clothes are sending a message to other people that you're a "certain kind of girl"... and she doesn't want that getting you into trouble. Also, she is probably concerned about you making a "presentable" appearance to teachers and other adults.

The bad news is that there isn't any real way to make your mom happier with the way you are, unless you stop dressing the way you do and conform to her idea of what's "appropriate" for a young lady. And I am definitely NOT suggesting that you do that!!! The way we dress is an important part of how we express ourselves, and I think your mother should be a little more open about your style, and realize that the way you dress is a part of you that you can't really change, without feeling like you're not being "you".

So what can you do? Try one more time to have a proper conversation about this with your mom. Set up a time with both your mom and dad - it's important to talk to them together about this - and ask them to listen to your side of things. Some points you might wish to make in this discussion:

Even though your folks might not love the clothes you wear, it's just fashion after all! Remind them that the clothes you wear don't dictate your morals and values. As long as you have a good head on your shoulders, it shouldn't matter what clothes are on your back.

Explain how much dressing this way helps you to be happy and without it, you would feel more uniformed and less individual.

Question their style of clothes and dress when they were growing up, and ask if anyone ever criticized them for the way they looked.

Inform them that when they criticize you, especially the way you look, it makes you feel less confident about your appearance and your self, and also like they don't love you for the person you are, as an individual.

Share with them how much you love doing certain activities - such as skateboarding - and express how it makes you feel when you do them well (confident, strong, independent, talented, etc). Tell them that it's really important for your self-esteem to be able to know you can do something well, and that for you, it might not be dancing like your sister, because you have your own special talents that are a part of you, and not somebody else.

When you're talking about all this, be strong and honest, but also be mature. Don't whine, or complain about the way they treat you. Just put forward how you want your parents to treat you, and how much you need to know that they both love you for the person you really are, and not the person they wish you would be. Remind them that really, that's all anybody wants, to be loved for who they are.