Dear Jellybean,
I'm almost 14 years old and about 12 years ago my mom died. I live with my dad and two sisters. I love my dad so much and i think he's the best dad in the world, he's so great about "girl stuff" and just great about raising us all my himself since i was 1 1/2 and my sisters were 5 and 7 years old. I love my friends, i do good in school and i really am truely 85% of the time really happy! But sometimes when i see this picture of my mom that's by my bed before i go to sleep i start thinking about how much i love her. which i guess is totally silly- but ever since last summer when i met her sister who lives on the other side of the country, i've felt like i have "met her" like her sister told me everything about what she was like and what she thought about dying (she died of cancer so she knew she was gunna die like a year before) It's hard to explain but i really love her . Usually when i think about something sad i usually get to the point where i think of something that stops me from being sad, like what ever i'm sad about will usually come to an end, but this just never leaves me and i have to force my self to think about something else so i can go to sleep or focus on something else. I just always feel so sad about her, I wish she was back soooooo much. But i know she can't. How can i keep this sadness undercontrol causei once i start crying about her it can go for hours and hours. And i know she wouldn't want be to when i think of her to think of sadness, which i don't. I usualy smile when i think about her cause i think of how nice she is or how beautiffull her smile is. But once i think about how much i miss her, i can't control it. Is this normal, is it unreasonable, please help get over this just a little bit more.
Thank you so much.
Mary Jane
Dear Mary Jane,
Your feelings are 100% natural. Everyone has only one mother, and you lost something amazing when you lost your mom. Feelings of loss and wishes that things could have been different are the most normal thing in the world.
It's great that you are happy 85% of the time - that's pretty good! For the other 15% of the time, you might be sad - but realize that you don't have to feel sad alone. My advice to you is, talk to your dad at times when you're feeling blue about missing your mom. Confide your feelings to him. Don't worry about making him feel sad - he will probably be overjoyed at the opportunity to talk about his memories of the woman he loved - your mom. This may be an incredible "bonding opportunity" for you two. Your dad can tell you stories about your mom, you can ask him questions, etc. You may even gain insights into who she was as a person, that will guide you as you grow into a woman, and even a mother, yourself someday.
The other suggestion I have is, there are places you can reach out to others who have experienced something similar to you. The Web site GROWW - Guiding for Youth is dedicated to supporting kids under 18 who have lost someone to death. The site has activities and chat boards where you can share stories and get emotional support from people who've gone through something like you have. When you need to talk to someone your own age about what you're feeling, this may be a helpful resource for you.
Good luck to you!
