Dear Jellybean,
Okay heres the problem that I am Having I really like this guy who is black. My mom hates black people. I'm white. I hate sneaking aroun just to see him. How can I tell my mom wiithout losing my crush?
Dear Writer,
You definitely have a difficult situation on your hands.
You are dealing with a very tough dilemma. Not only do you have this current problem with seeing Tamario, but you have a mother who is a racist. The word "nigger" is horrible, designed only to hurt and exclude. The kind of racist attitude you describe coming from your mother is rooted in ignorance. You didn't tell me what age you are - but unfortunately, no matter what age you are, there is no guarantee you can bust through your mother's racism if she has always seen the world this way. Read on...
I think the first thing to do, is to calmly, coolly, ask your mother what her problem is with black people. You could explain why her opinions are way off base, and talk to her about how the world is very different now from the one she may have grown up in. People don't tolerate racist attitudes like your mom's anymore - at least not as much, I hope - and you want to live a life that is loving and accepting of all humanity. It is racist thinking that leads to horrible tragedies such as the recent destruction of the World Trade Center. Hatred of others because of where they are from or the color of their skin ONLY leads to bad things like anger and violence. Tell your mom, in your own words and speaking from your heart, about how you want to live in a world where people don't hurt each other just because of how they look.
But unfortunately... like I said, if your mom has held her racist beliefs for a long time, it may not be possible to make her forget all about them so easily. In that case, you have a few options.
First, you didn't mention anything about your father. Maybe he's not in the picture. But if he is, consider talking to him. Does he think the same way as your mom? Would he be against you dating someone who is black? Maybe you could use him to get your mother on your side.
Another option that might work for you is, bring in another adult to help you open the discussion with your mom. Think about whether you have a a sympathetic teacher who might be able to help you figure out an approach, or who could even talk with your mom for you about the problem these racist attitudes are causing - and will continue to cause - in your life.
In the meantime, don't sneak around to see Tamario. Assuming his parents aren't racist against white people, you could spend time hanging out together at his home. Or go on group dates with friends. But don't get in the habit of lying to your mom, especially not before you have explored all your options for getting her to listen to your opinions.
Try to remember during all this, your mom is wrong - but she is NOT evil. She is simply ignorant. Maybe her parents told her this racist misinformation from the time she was a little kid, and she doesn't know any better. Don't start hating your mom because she is being racist. Try to help her understand why it's wrong. As bad as your mom's ideas are, hating her won't help. Hate is bad, whatever the reason. You have to work with love to make your mom see there's another way to view the world. It will take a long time, but I respect you a great deal for your ability to rise above your mom's beliefs!
