JEALOUS OF HER SISTER

Dear Jellybean,

I have a horrible problem! My sister is like a guy magnet, and she knows it. She seems to like to take advantage of that fact. I just don’t get how I’m supposed to ever get a boy that actually likes me for me, not a boy who just wants to date me because he wants to get to know my sister. Unless a boy really likes me, if he ever meets my sister, he always ends up liking her, and not caring about her little sister at all. I know it’s horrible to feel jealous, but I am. I don’t understand how she can be such a guy magnet, and get all the guys. She’s usually a jerk, too. So far, I haven’t cared much because I always hang out with guys all the time, but it’s changing. I’m still a tomboy, and hang out with guys, but if there’s a cute boy, they always like my older sister. Whenever we go somewhere, no one every pays attention to me, and whenever I start talking to a guy, she’ll somehow mess it up by appearing, and they end up liking her, not me.

I know that it’s not her fault for being like this, but it’s hard to adjust to. She’s perfect. She’s popular, has everyone as a friend, she’s smart, beautiful, and can be nice sometimes, when needed. I’m more laid-back. I actually express myself, while I think she just goes along with the crowd to be popular. In a way, I’m popular, since I get along with just about everyone. I’m smart, and almost always nice. She’s usually a jerk, and talks behind her "friends" back. If I have a mean thing to say about someone (very unusual) I’ll at least say it to their face, and not have them hear from someone else.

I just don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be sure a boy likes me, not my sister. I can be as beautiful, if not more, than my sister if I try, but I don’t want to put on make-up, and dress up, since I know that that isn’t the true me. Do you have any idea how I can deal with this? And I know that feeling jealous is bad, and it’s not her fault for being like this, but like I said, it’s so hard. And now I like a boy, but I don’t know how to ever approach him, with a sister like mine. Plus, there’s added pressure on me from my family to be as good as she was, as beautiful. Please help me!
-Tomboy Girl With Hot Older Sis

Dear Tomboy Girl,

Living with your sister sounds like it definitely presents challenges. But your letter gives off so much insecurity, and I think that's a much bigger problem for you than having a "guy-magnet" sister. It's the Jessica Simpson / Ashlee Simpson thing in a nutshell.

You say some good things about yourself, but you also hint that you don't think the "true you" is good enough to get people's attention. That's coming one hundred percent from you, not your sister. The truth is, it's not your sister's fault that you feel bad about yourself. Your sister might get lots of attention for being pretty, smart, outgoing, etc. But if your sister was ugly and unpopular, you'd probably find some "perfect" girl at school to compare yourself to. What I'm saying is, your jealousy isn't really about your sister. Rather, it's about you, and how you feel about you.

It's painful to admit we don't feel good enough, so we often attack someone else, who seems to have the things we want. But blaming your sister for your insecure feelings isn't fair. She's not putting any pressure on you to be like her, she's just living her life. And I'm pretty positive that your sister doesn't want to date your guy friends. She's got her own friends and dates, of her own age. So setting up a competitive thing with her is kind of silly.

You need to put the emphasis on being yourself, and learning to love it. Sounds to me like there's tons to love - you're cute, friendly, smart and (usually) nice. You're Ashlee Simpson, babe. Learn to love yourself and take the focus off comparing yourself with your big sis, and great things are going to happen for you. But set yourself up to compete with her, or get obsessed with how she's so perfect, and you'll always be stuck in her shadow.

Think about who you really are, and what you want to be. Consider why your friends like you, and take pride in those things. Wear no makeup, or dress up sometimes, but learn to appreciate the girl in the mirror. Do things you're good at, and try new things to find out what else you're good at. In other words, grow as a person, and become someone you can be proud of, without comparison to anyone else.

Finally, you say that "unless a boy really likes you", he will get interested in your sister. I get that she's a guy-magnet, but... don't you only want to date guys who "really like" you?