FRIEND IS CRITICAL

Dear Jellybean,

I have this friend. She's very critical and says just kidding when she does, but sometimes you don't know that she's joking, or she jokes around about something that you're already self concious about. All of my friends always criticize each other in a joking way, but sometimes she just takes it way too far! And she gets mad if somebody makes fun of something about her after she makes fun of them, even though it's not as bad as what she said. I don't wanna be mean, we're good friends. Its just sometimes it hurts. How can I tell her nicely the next time that she hurts me or my friend's feelings?

Also, she always comments on people's looks and size and everything, and that's annoying, too. It's very mean, like she says, "why does she always eat that, it's not like she needs it!" or "that would totally look way better on you than her" and when somebody asks why, she's like, "isn't it obvious?" and then laughs. And then it's uncomfortable. She gossips way too much. How can I fix my problem? Any advice would help!

Thank you,
Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned Friend,

If your friend says something that hurts your feelings, you can try saying, "Hey, I know you're just joking, but that really makes me feel bad." If she tells you to lighten up, or otherwise blows off your feelings, you can say further, "Maybe I'm too sensitive, and I'm sure you don't mean to hurt my feelings, but please don't say that to me anymore." If she won't take that seriously, I would remove myself from her company, and give her the cold shoulder for a bit, just to show her that you don't enjoy hanging out around someone who acts that way. Keep this up, every time she makes a remark that hurts.

If that doesn't work after a while, you can take things up a slight notch. After a hurtful comment from her, you can come back with, "Wow, I bet you wouldn't like it if I said that you..." (fill in the blank here with an equally hurtful comment aimed at her). Then laugh and say, "I guess we're both just sensitive, but I am seriously asking you to stop saying that kind of thing to me."

This should do it. If your friend can't respect your wishes to not be hurt, after all that effort on your part, you have to ask yourself why she's a friend, and maybe start putting some distance between you two.

Your friend's comments on people's physicality are definitely spiteful. They could come from a place of insecurity, or she might just be an insensitive clod. Either way, she probably thinks she sounds superior by saying such things, and she won't believe otherwise unless her friends let her know how she's really coming off. When she makes such a comment, you might try saying, "Why do you care how she eats? Hello, don't we have better things to talk about?" Or, in the case of your second example, "Actually, I think she looks pretty good in that." As to the gossip, you can smile and say, "I'm making a resolution not to talk behind people's backs anymore, so you'd better find someone else to tell that to." Or, "I only gossip about celebrities - did you see the latest on (insert name of notorious celebrity here)?"

I think it would be wonderful if you would demonstrate for your friend that it's possible to feel good about oneself, without putting down others. Clearly, it's a lesson she needs to learn - and it would be a kindness for you to teach it to her.