HOW TO SHOW THEM SHE'S CHANGED

Dear Jellybean,

For years, I have tried my best to be myself and not let peer pressure influence me in any way. I also value respecting others and not judge quickly because I have been influenced, judged, and teased at an early age.

But for about the past five successive years, there has always been someone or someones who gossips about me, saying I'm "obnoxious" and "mean." And many times, I have sought for the ones who have been spreading the gossip in hopes that I may avoid them or refute their claims. Of course, that doesn't work out well which is why I've been battling this for so long. I have always feared that if I let these people gossip further, then I could lose friends.

Eventually, I would let it go each time because I don't know what these people want from me. I believe that I'm not mean or obnoxious nor that it's a bad thing if I am sensitive to some words. How am I suppose to change if they don't come out with their actual problem with me?

Now, after trying to get back on my feet again, I'm being pushed down by that invisible force. The words have changed into "bitch/y", "self-absorbed" and "cold." I am tired of this constant fight. I don't know what I should do. I went into this new school year with confidence that all this negativity has been put behind me. What should I do Jellybean? How shall I conduct myself - to should that I'm not what they say/ "I've changed" - when I return to school after the break?

Thanks,
Upset

Dear Upset,

Has the teased become the teaser? You say that you were "influenced, judged, and teased at an early age." When you reflect honestly on your personality today, do you feel like you could be a little bit sensitive? Do you react with anger when someone questions you, instead of accepting that others have different opinions sometimes? Have you ever said something harsh to a person who perhaps didn't deserve it?

I think your letter contains a big clue. You left your old school, believing that you were leaving this problem behind. However, in the midst of new people, the same old problem is recurring, just with different words. The one constant - the thing that is the same in both situations - is you. What I'm trying to tell you is, you must accept the reality that something you are doing is putting people off, and causing them to react negatively to you.

This doesn't mean you're not an awesome person - just that your interpersonal skills could use some upgrading. You wouldn't do badly to think along the line of the "Golden Rule" - in other words, treat others just as you'd like them to treat you. That means, if you want people to be nice to you, then you need to be nice to them first. If you want people to act more sensitively to you, then make sure your language and behavior respects other peoples' sensitivities too.

You can't just come back to school after break and announce that you've changed, without actually changing. Use the time off to do some serious thinking about the kind of person you want to be seen as, and how you can change yourself to become that person. It's never too late to turn over a new leaf, and create a new self - and a new impression.