Dear Jellybean,
I recently found out that the guy I love, one of my best friends too, drank some alcohol one night at a friend's house. It's been all I can think about for about a week now. I run to the bathroom between classes because if I think about it too hard I start to cry [I'm an emotional person anyway]. It hurts me that he wouldn't tell me because we usually tell each other everything. It's not like I can talk to him about it because I'm not supposed to know. It breaks my heart that he was apparently the one who drank the most out of the friends. And these were the friends he doesn't feel comfortable around, as he tells me. I know he wouldn't want me to know, because he's ashamed of it and pleaded with his friends to keep it a secret. Right now I'm scared and hurt and confused. I don't know what to think, or what to do. Our friendship is moving faster into a relationship [it has been for like a year] and I still love him more than anything, that didn't change my feelings at all. I'm just scared and confused about it all. What are your thoughts on it all?
-Long Letter
Dear Long Letter,
Take a deep breath, or two. I think you're getting very worked up about this, and it might not be such a big deal.
Your friend drank some alcohol one night. That's what you know, or at least what you've heard from others. Clearly this is something that goes against your values, because it has upset you quite deeply. But you have to take a step back and realize that just because your guy friend did something one night, it doesn't mean he's going to do it every night, or even do it again.
I'm not sure if you're crying because your friend drank, or because he didn't tell you. But your friend is human, and human beings sometimes make mistakes. Your friend may be sorry that he drank that night - especially if he woke up with a pounding hangover - and it's possible that he is ashamed of it, as you say.
Anyway, it's clear to me why your friend didn't confide in you about this. Obviously he knows you well enough to know how emotional you would get if you found out, and he didn't want to upset you, or deal with your reaction, or have you see him in a less-than-positive light. That's not so bad - he's trying to protect your feelings, and also avoid a big scene.
Friendships - even close ones - don't compel us to share everything. Sometimes a person wants to tell you all their secrets, and sometimes they don't, or they have other friends who they know would understand better. That's okay, and it doesn't necessarily reflect on the quality of your relationship.
However, because you're moving into a more-than-friends relationship with this guy, you should talk to him about all this. Just make sure you can do so calmly, maturely and without getting overly emotional (which can sometimes come off as childish, or selfish). Just take the opportunity, when you two are alone, to mention that you heard about his drinking the other night, and it's been bothering you. Tell him that you're not judging him at all, but you don't see yourself dating a drinker, so you're hoping that it was a one-time thing and he's not planning to keep doing it. Let him talk, and listen to what he has to say. If you can show him that you can deal with him being imperfect, and still care for him, as long as he promises to stop doing the thing that goes against your values, this could end up making your relationship even stronger.
Of course, if you're against drinking, and your friend says he's still going to drink, I'd advise you against getting more involved with him. Relationships between people who are different can work, if the differences are superficial, like how they dress, who their friends are, their musical tastes, etc. But when values clash, it generally spells doom. So make sure you're on the same page about how you're both be living your lives from this point on, and go forward feeling good that you've had the conversation.
