THEY SWAP HER SECRETS!

Dear Jellybean,

I have two friends, we'll call them Rachel and Katie, who are best friends with each other and tell each other everything! I understand that they're best friends but it makes telling either one of them anything important really difficult. If I tell one person and tell them not to tell anyone, they'll still tell the other. They'll even admit it - and when I get mad about it they say "Well, we tell each other everything but we won't tell anyone else" like that makes it ok that the one I originally told something to didn't keep her word.

The other night, Rachel and I had a small disagreement, Rachel went and told Katie and then Katie asked me about it on instant messenger. I was telling my side of the story, but suddenly realized that Rachel was online too and Katie was probably telling her everything I was saying. I asked if she was, and she admitted that she had told her about half of what I was telling her.

They're honest about it, but it still drives me crazy! I feel like I can't trust either one of them with my secrets, but no matter how many times I bring it up, they seem to think that their best friend isn't included in that "anyone" section of "Don't tell anyone!"

How can I make them understand that when I say I don't want anybody else to know, I mean it and that this little "tell each other everything fact" is pushing away their other friends?

-Erin

Dear Erin,

I think you have to be the one to change, not Rachel and Katie. You need to start thinking of them as one person - Ratie? Kachel? - since they basically act that way. When you tell one something, just take it for granted that it's going to get told to the other one. There's no use asking one to swear secrecy, because by the terms of their friendship, they share everything together. They've been really clear about this, so any further misunderstandings are your fault, not theirs.

It's not about trust, it's about accepting reality - and that's what you have to do. This may not be how you conduct your best friendships, but it's how Rachel and Katie have decided to conduct theirs, and that's their choice. As long as they let people know (and they have), it's totally fair. Now it's up to you to remember that, and not tell something to one, that you don't want the other to know. If Rachel and Katie's behavior pushes away friends, that's their problem - and they will surely decide how to deal with it on their own. You know how things work now.

Got secrets that require only one pair of ears? You'll need to find a new confidante who you can trust to put it in the "vault". Maybe one of those other friends you talked about.