Dear Jellybean,
I recently got really close with 3 girls, who I never really knew. We ended up becoming best friends, going everywhere with each other and eating lunch and etc. Well as I started getting to know them better, I find my self-confidence being lowered every time I'm with them. The things they say are just hurtful. Let's call the 3 girls Sam, Grace, and Hannah. Well Sam, is the one that basically just talks crap about other girls behind their back, and the things she says are really hurtful, things that could make girls cry. She hasn't made fun of me yet, but she does criticize Grace and Hannah all the time. Grace isn't the skinniest person in the world and Sam always makes it known to Grace. Grace just takes it and doesn't defend herself to the least. And I know things like that could be really hurtful, because I've been through an eating disorder and I've just gotten help. I feel that I have control over it, but now the things Sam says about other girls weight makes me feel like she's saying the same stuff about me, and it feels like I'm slowly losing control again. I know the reason Sam does this, and it's because she's insecure about herself. She constantly picks out people to make fun of, and it gives her that sense of supeority raising her self-esteem. And I'm a nice person that cares about other people's feelings, I want her to realize that she is good enough the way she is. I want to talk to her and tell her that it's okay to be yourself, its okay to not be perfect because I know that is what I wanted to hear when I was struggling. So Jellybean I need your help to talk to Sam and tell her that hurting other people can really leave them scarred, and I want to help her realize that it's okay to not be perfect.
Dear Writer,
Wow, you're hanging with Gossip Girl. You say that Sam hasn't made fun of you yet, but if she slams Grace and Hannah in front of you, you'd better believe she's doing the same thing to them about you, when you're not around.
I think you're smart to recognize that Sam's behavior comes from insecurity. People who are actually confident don't need to put others down to feel good about themselves. When someone does that, it's like hanging a giant sign over their head that says, "I have problems! I feel insecure and this is how I'm coping with it!" But as you know, even though they're secretly anxious, someone like this can come off as powerful, because in their quest to make everyone believe they've got it all together, they can wreak lots of harm on others.
I agree that you need to do something about all this. After all, hanging out with somebody who's gossipy and mean can seriously sap a girl's good mood. But Sam is probably a pretty defensive sort, and she could react badly to hearing the blunt truth. And hey, nobody likes to hear that they need a personality change, so I don't think you can just inform Sam that she's acting badly. Instead, you'll need to be sneaky about trying to change your group dynamic.
One thing you can do is, stop being silent when Sam insults others, especially when they're people you know and like. If she makes fun of Grace's weight, speak up and bring the conversation around to a more positive place. You could say, "I think Grace looks great" or "Who needs to be skinny when you're as smart/funny/awesome as Grace?" You could even throw it back at Sam by saying, "Oh well, who's perfect anyway - hey Sam, is that a pimple on your chin?"
Even if you don't know the person, point out the positive about them. It's a great way to "cancel out" a mean statement, and you'll show Sam that you're not into going along with mean talk. So if she picks out someone to make fun of, you let your niceness show. When she teases someone, wait until she stops and give them a sincere compliment. If she goes on about how someone dresses badly, comment on the cute shoes they wore the other day, or praise them for being good at sports/always friendly/whatever else you can find that's good about them.
Set a great example with your behavior. Don't obsess about your weight (at least out loud), and talk up your friends and classmates. When Sam hears you speak admiringly about other girls, maybe she'll get the mesage that you can be confident and awesome, and still be able to acknowledge the good in others.
This might sound weird, but it might even help to show that you don't like gossip about anyone, even celebrities. Most of us get in the habit of talking about famous girls and women, and running down their bodies or fashion flaws, as a matter of course. But what would happen if you tried to be positive about other females, and didn't stoop to this level? It might even set an example for Sam of how a really classy person acts. Do your best to shift attention from people's outsides to their insides - whether they're famous, or your friends. So if Sam says, "I don't even see why people like Angelina Jolie, she's ugly", you can answer with, "Whatever, she does so much good for kids, that makes her beautiful in my eyes." Get the picture?
Be a role model for how niceness can be really cool, and hopefully Sam will learn a thing or two. But in the end, if Sam refuses to stop her gossipy ways, you might have to think hard about what this friendship is doing for you. It's great to have friends, but not if they make you feel bad about yourself, or if they're all about themselves. Give it a chance, and show her what kind of friend you want her to be, by being that way yourself. But if she can't shape up, you might decide to let this unhealthy friendship drift away.
