EVERYONE VENTS TO HER

Dear Jellybean,

Lately with so many projects everyone is my class has been getting really stressed. Some of my friends are having friend and boyfriend problems too. Well the thing is, is that they all seem to come to me to tell me all of their problems. I have my own stress and my own problems too but for some reason i seem to be the only person they can ask to help them with homework or call for an hour long venting session. I guess if i was better at saying no i wouln’t be in this situation... but i’m terrible at it. Right now it’s expecially hard because my two best friends got in a fight so now i’m stuck with both of them telling me how much they dislike the other. Is there anything i can say to nicely tell them i don’t want to hear about them ?
-Stressssed

Dear Stressssed,

You're correct that the problem is really yours. You do need to learn how to say now. This doesn't have to be a big ordeal. You can just say, "I'd love to help/listen/do your work for you/take sides in your fight, but I am super-stressed about this project I'm working on, and I can't seem to concentrate on anything else." That's straight-forward and honest, and invites compassion.

In fact, you could turn the tables on those who are begging for your help, by saying, "Listen, we can talk about that in a minute. But first, can you help me with something?" Then ask them to help you solve an equation, plan an outline for your essay, figure out your current family crisis, or whatever. If they go back to their own issues, just say, "I know, we have to talk about that. But seriously, all I can think about is..." and bring up your concerns again.

This is a great trick, because if your friends are any kind of buds, they will realize you have your own needs and realities, that you've been keeping quiet about. Part of learning to say no, in other words, is learning to demand equal time. So try that, and good luck to you.

If you get really desperate, and the above doesn't work, you can also pull a "deus ex machina" on your friends. Just say, "I hate to interrupt, but my mom says until I finish my projects, I have to keep all my phone calls to five minutes, max. I know, she's so mean, right?"