Dear Jellybean,
My best friend has liked this guy who is best friends with her older sister. HE IS 16! At first i thought it was just another harmless crush, but then he asked her out! Now my just-turned-13 friend is dating a 16 year old! I am worried she'll get hurt or he'll want to go past hugs and kisses. What do I do? I'm scared for her! What if she doesn't come to me when this happens or if it does?
-Worried
Dear Worried,
Your friend's boyfriend is definitely old for her. But that doesn't mean your friend is about to abandon her good sense, and throw herself into a life of sexual activity and partying. Anything is possible, of course. But if your friend has good common sense, and hasn't gotten herself into trouble with risky behavior before, you can probably rely on her to continue being smart about running her life.
In terms of protecting your friend from getting hurt, you can't. Heartbreak is the chance anyone takes when they date someone they like, whether that person is their age, younger or older. You can be there for your friend, and help her get over any hurt feelings if they happen. But that's about it.
I understand why you're scared for your friend. If her parents don't know about her boyfriend, you might have cause to worry. She would only hide the relationship from them if she knew they wouldn't approve, or if she planned to do stuff (with him) they wouldn't approve of. that's another good reason to worry. So if that's the case, talk to your friend. Tell her you're happy that her crush likes her back, but you're worried about her keeping a secret this big from her parents. Let her know you're worried that this is going to end up getting her in trouble, and maybe even getting her grounded, or damaging her relationship with her family if they find out.
If your friend's parents are on board, you can be relieved. It's their job to watch out for their daughter, and make sure she doesn't get into anything that's over her head. Also, if something specific does happen down the road, and it really scares you, you know that you can always talk to your friend's folks if necessary.
Then there's the question of what kind of guy your BFF's new boyfriend is. If you know for a fact that he's a drinker or a druggie, that's a real reason for concern. Again, talk to your friend and be clear about what's making you worry. Hopefully, she'll assure you that she's not planning to get into any bad stuff. And maybe you can point out how she deserves a guy who treats himself with respect, as well as her.
In terms of your overall worries, I think you are smart to be concerned about your friend coming to you, in case anything serious happens with her boyfriend. After all, your friend is getting into a relationship with a much older guy, and she's probably going to need someone who loves her, to confide in and confess to. The way you can make sure she comes to you if/when something serious happens is, do NOT be disapproving of her. Be honest about any concerns you have, but make sure your friend knows you trust her to make her own decisions, and not to be an idiot about her life. If she feels you can be trusted, and that you aren't trying to be a second mom to her, she is way more likely to keep the honest flow of information going.
