Dear Jellybean,
I really like this guy, and im sure that he likes me too. At our school dance, we slow danced together. After the dance, one of my friends was crying. i didnt know what it was about, until recently. It turns out that she likes this guy too! She told me afterwards, via IM. I have never admitted to liking him. but I said that if she wanted, i would back off. But she said that she didnt want me to start acting differently. But at school, i talked to him for a long time, and afterwards i heard her talking about me with other girls, and when i approached her she started to walk away from me. She's not mad at me anymore, but if i talk to him, she goes and whispers things about me. Me and the guy are very close, but mostly online and on the phone, since we cant talk at school. so when i found out that she liked him, i told him about it. He assured me that he didnt like her, and he tried to figure out how he could get her to stop liking him.
Now, at school, i try not to talk to him. He tells me that i shouldnt care what my friend thinks. But i need friends... isnt the rule "friends before guys" ? ... but i've also been thinking that i should tell her the truth. But its awkward to tell her, and i never find a right time.
What should i do??
-Gally
Dear Gally,
Your friend has let you know, first through her words and then her behavior, that she likes this guy. She said you didn't want you to "act differently", but it's likely that she hoped you would do just that, because you knew about her feelings for him.
Your friend instincts were working well, when you decided to try not to talk to this guy at school. The rule is indeed friends before guys, and for a reason. Guys tend to drift in and out of our lives during our teenage years, but a good friendship can end up lasting a lifetime. So it's worthwhile to put effort into the friendship, which might last forever, instead of a crush that might go nowhere.
It's also about being a decent person. This guy is totally wrong when he tells you "not to care" about what your friend thinks. That is, if you don't care about hurting someone you call a friend, or keeping the friendship, then sure, go do whatever you want. But if you do want to continue being friends with her, of course you have to care about what she thinks. Respecting our friends' feelings, and thinking about how we can make our friends happy (and not cause them pain), is a major part of being a good friend.
However, I don't think you have to "tell her the truth" as you say. Why cause her the heartache of knowing that you've been secretly texting and phoning this guy? She never has to know, if you just cut off communications with him, in honor of your friend's feelings. It's not about whether he'll ever date her. It's about knowing you can never date him, without breaking your friend's heart.
So let things with the guy fade away, and let your friend see for herself that you're not talking to him at school, or interested in him anymore. Chat about new guys you've got your eye on (when you do) with your friend, so she knows your interests are in other places. And continue following that "friends first" rule, because it will do you well in life.
