Dear Jellybean,
I'm not sure where to start with this but bear with me because I am going to try my best!
I am a 17 year old from the UK and I am driving myself crazy!! I have nothing going for me - except maybe my personality (which is mostly made up of sarcasm which i guess you would all a defence-mechanism!). I'm not very attractive whatsoever - I can't bear to look at myself in the mirror I can't actually figure out how anyone can actually stand to talk to me face to face (personally I think they are just being polite!). I have 36F breasts that take up half of my 5ft 2 torso, i weigh like 147 pounds which gives me a BMI of around 30 (so i am basically obese). I have spent hours every day for months reading about a healthy lifestyle i probably know the same amount as those with degress in nutrition (and i am not exaggerating!)
I'm just this little ugly porky tub of lard who can't look in the mirror or go out without thinking people are looking down on me as if I don't belong to walk amongst them! I tried college and quit after four weeks because I couldnt bear to be around people, I couldn't motivate myself to do the work because i spent my time pretending not to be there and I couldn't see the point. I then also quit my job as a waitress because I couldn't put on my happy face anymore in front of the customers - I couldn't fake my famous 'happy' face anymore, and now I can't seem to land a job -FAILURE!! I have pushed all my friends away - there used to be a big group of about 15 of us and have spoken to 3 since I left school last year - one of them i try to meet up with every few weeks but i think she does it out of pity.
For the past 2 or so months I have been cofined myself the house only going out to buy chocolate to make me feel better, go for a driving lesson or to see the friend i mentioned above, I am constatly in this miserable paranoid state and cannot seem to snap out of it! I now have no income, no money my family are all disappointed in me so i figure i failed them. If i have no goals i have nothing to lose - how pathetic is that?
I've never had a proper boyfriend because in my mind they only have the ulterior motive to screw with you and i don't beleive that anyone could actually find me attractive - I couldnt imagine ever having sex (I could not put anyone through that with me!).
At school I used to be the go to girl for advice and everything you know? I have asked myself what would I say to someone in my shoes and I came up with "stop wallowing, accept yourself for who you are get out there you re no less that anybody else blah blah blah" but the rules change when its is about you. I cant put it to work because I am starting to loose grip and am thinking "what is the point?" what is the point? I wish I could figure it out but I cant and it is drving me insane!
I also keep having this dream where I am sat in a corner in a dark dingy flat bottle in one hand cigarette in the other and crying.
People compare themselves to models or whatever - that is one thing I tend not to do - I look round me at all the people and am jealous - they are all happy and content and I wish I could be like that. I dont know whether I fear failure or success - I don't set goals because that way I can't be any more of a disappointment, I dont know if I am able to trust people, trust them enough to beleive them or to fall in love - I can picture that in my mind there will always be a doubt about my self. I know a lot of teens are insecure but I am sure they can look at one aspect of their life, at one thing about the way they look and say I like that about myself - I can't think of a possible thing - except maybe that i have healthy hair but that't not the point!
So there you have it, i'm actually wondering if you have even had the patience to read all this, if you even will e-mail me back - don't worry if you don't I feel ever so slightly relieved to vent for the first time - it has built up a lot and I seem to have these mini break downs when I'm alone in the house. Well thank you for reading and if you have any advice - or anything to give me a kick up the ass it will be welcomed!
-Sarah (paranoid wreck)
Dear Sarah,
First, let me say that your letter was beautifully written, and I am very touched by your situation.
After reading it, I am concerned that the symptoms you have – self-loathing, hiding out in the house, constant misery, eating or smoking to smother your feelings, your belief that everyone is better than you – could indicate that you are suffering from depression.
It is especially telling that you are quite knowledgable - about nutrition, about what you "should" be doing - but are unable to put any of this information into practice. That is a key sign of depression - the inability to take positive steps to change one's situation, even though it is making one miserable.
Don't beat yourself up for not being able to make things better by yourself. Telling someone who has depression to "stop wallowing" or "snap out of it" - or saying they need a "kick up the ass" - is like telling someone with no arms to lift a boulder over their head. You simply don't have the resources to do it.
You might want to check out the article at this page of Myjellybean.com and see if you recognize anything that sounds like what you’re going through.
You probably understand that depression is a disease. But as you may or may not be aware, it is also similar to any physical sickness, in that to cure the disease, the sufferer requires treatment from a doctor. If you are suffering from depression, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to admit that you need help, and then allow others to help you.
Talk to your family doctor and ask to be referred to someone who specializes in teen depression. If you can't do that then call one of the free teen hotlines (they cost nothing and are totally confidential) for one-on-one assistance. You will find the phone numbers on this page of Myjellybean.com.
Some very great people in this world have overcome depression to do amazing things. The list includes authors Anne Rice and J.K. Rowling, actors Emma Thompson and Ashley Judd, and political greats Winston Churchill and Boris Yeltsin. The difference between you and them: They got treatment for their depression. Get help for yours, and who knows what you could accomplish? I'd love to find out, because you sound like a young woman with huge potential.
I hope you reach out and get the help you need, so you can go on to life the rest of your life fully and with happiness. My thoughts and good wishes will be with you.
