BF'S MOM IS PROTECTIVE

Dear Jellybean,

I have a boyfriend with a rather... protective mom.

We were supposed to go to the beach tomorrow (30 minute bus ride away) and his mom was like, no, I'm not COMFORTABLE with you going to the beach. And like... his mom confines him to like, this TINY area in the city where he and I can go... and makes him come home really early. It's really beginning to bother me because my boyfriend and I are both very busy people so it's hard for us to find time together, and when we do, she restricts them A LOT.

My friends have told me to try talking to him about it, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. He's the type of guy that prefers actions over words and REALLY hates confrontations.

Thing is, I'm happy that he's close with his mom (shows that he has a lot of respect for women, and he does) but isn't this just a bit overboard?

I've been told there isn't much I can do about it without offending him and/or his mom. Plus, he is also in a hard situation, caught between his mom and his girlfriend... so I know I shouldn't be pushy about it... but...

So... is there anything I can do in order to improve this, if at all?
-Yogourt

Dear Yogourt,

There are a few things you can do.

First, if there's something you really want to do, like going to the beach, you should do it. Go with your girlfriends. Then gush to your boyfriend about how much fun it was, how much you wish he could have been there, and all the great things you did. If you keep this up, your boyfriend will learn two things. First, that you are an independent woman who does what she wants. And second, that he's missing out on a lot of fun. It's perfect, because you aren't saying anything against his mom, or asking him to disobey any rules, or anything. You're just showing him that you have a fun life, and he's missing out on some of it, because of his family rules. That could inspire him to talk to his mom on his own, and ask her for a little more leeway.

Second, ask your parents if you can invite your boyfriend's mom (and dad, if he's around) to your home for lunch or dinner one day. His mom is probably nervous about letting him out, because she's scared of what could happen to him. If she sees that your family home is a safe, good environment, and that your parents are trustworthy people, she might relax a bit and let him come over more, and stay later. There's no guarantee this will work, but it's always worth a shot.

Third, your friends are right. You should talk to your boyfriend about it. I wonder how much he really respects women, if he's giving you these rules about preferring actions over rules, and hating confrontations. To me, that sounds like he's telling you not to bother him with your feelings, if they're different from his. That's a bad sign, and a very unhealthy situation. If you have a real relationship, and mutual respect, you should be able to tell your boyfriend anything - as long as you say it nicely and thoughtfully. If you're scared of his reaction, or you know he won't listen, that's a serious sign that your match is toxic, and not very good for you.