SHE WANTS MORE FEEDBACK

Dear Jellybean,

I'm "going out" with this guy (I don't want to call him my boyfriend, because it feels too wierd right now), and I really like him, and ACCORDING to my FRIEND he really likes me too. But he's so confusing! He's so neutral about EVERYTHING, and he doesn't tell me ANYTHING about how he feels or what he would like me to do, or what he would like me not to do or anything.

Anyway, I told him that I needed him to give me way more feedback then I was getting (wich was none), and he told me that he couldn't give me any. He said he was too shy to give good feedback, and he didn't think it was right to give me bad feedback. I told him that I was really shy too, but I knew I had to overcome my shyness to make the relationship work, and that if he didn't give me bad feedback how was I suppose to know when I was doing something he didn't like? And then he seemed to get mad (I say SEEMED because we were using IMs) and said that it was just the way he was and that I shouldn't force him to do something he didn't want to do. Then the conversation was pretty much over. I didn't continue to talk to him about it because I didn't want to get in a fight.

Then, just today I heard from MY FRIEND that this guy had told him that it seemed like I liked him one minut and was mad at him the next minut, and that he was really confused. When I heard this I got so frustrated that I thought I was going to explode. If he had simply told ME that, then the issue would be resolved and we could move on, but I had to find out how he felt from my FRIEND, does he NOT realise how CRAZY that is? Aag!
-Overwhelmed and confused

Dear O & C,

Oops, I think we're dealing with an anger problem here. Your level of frustration is pretty high - and I have to say, you're being pretty bossy with your boyfriend. Just because you need "feedback" in a certain way, doesn't mean that's the way it should be. Your guy has needs too - including being accepted for who he is - and those are totally valid as well.

Since you say your boyfriend is a shy guy, he might not be good at expressing his feelings straight out in words. Telling him he has to "overcome" his shyness to "make the relationship work" is basically telling him that his personality isn't good enough. Maybe you need to consider whether you two are really a good match, because it sounds like your aggressive personality and his quiet one are clashing quite a bit.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that your guy shouldn't let you know how he's feeling. I'm just saying that he may do it in ways that suit his "neutral" personality. Instead of making big romantic statements or publicly displaying his affection, he might treat you with respect, remember little things about you (like your gotta-have snack at the movies, your favorite band, or your dog's name), and so on. If this type of "feedback" isn't enough for you, or you need more to make you happy, I think you need to change boyfriends - not try to change the one you already have.

Finally, the reason he's speaking to your friend, and not you, is obvious: He's scared of getting yelled at! After all, just hearing about his feelings made you "want to explode". He probably picks up on this vibe, and is wisely keeping himself - and his feelings - out of your way. Bottom line: If you ask your BF to express himself, you need to be ready to listen to his feelings. If you can't do that without getting angry, there's little hope that this relationship is going to work out.

I'm not saying you have an anger problem. Maybe it's just this guy who raises your temper. But be honest, have your friends ever mentioned that you get mad a lot? Or do you find yourself getting in more fights than you'd like? If so, you might wish to read Myjellybean.com's article Control Your Anger for tips on keeping your temper from wrecking the good things in your life.