Dear Jellybean,
I'm with this guy. We're not technically dating, why not I really don't know. I mean we talk all the time and we've kissed and he said he's all mine but he's not at the point where he can call me his girlfriend. So, I'm sort of confused about that. Like he wants to be more physical but I need to be at the girlfriend stage before I can feel comfortable doing that.
Another thing is he's lacking self-confidence to the extreme. He's always apologizing for EVERYTHING, even if I think what he did was cute (and I make sure to tell him) or if he didn't do anything at all that requires an apology. He's like... walking on eggshells. All the time, and he beats himself up over everything. Even if it's a tiny little thing he'll beat himself up emotionally. And he always says "Did I seriously just say that... that was so stupid." Even if it was adorable! It kills me inside to see him do this: I care about him so much. I try to be there for him and help him out with this but I don't know what else to do. He's said he gets into these modes where he's suicidal but he'd never actually do anything. I'm sort of scared about it. I just need some way to get him out of this self-mutilation mode.
If you have any idea of what I can do, please write me back. I've tried everything I can think of.
Dear Writer,
If this guy won't call you his girlfriend, then he most certainly is not "all yours". And I think his lack of self-confidence is a sham.
Think about it: He's got manipulating you down to a fine art! The more you compliment him and stick by him, the more he plays the sad puppy role, keeping you worried about him and trying your best to make him happy.
Let me ask you this: How much time does he spend trying to make YOU happy? How much time do you think he invests thinking about what he could do to make you feel good, or thinking up nice things to say to you?
I think none. I think he is all about himself, and whether it's because he's insecure or not, it makes him way too self-obsessed to be able to give anything to another person.
My advice to you is, stay friends with this guy if you care about him, but put a stop to anything more. Cut out the kissing, and don't do anything more physical for sure! If he asks why, just tell him that it feels wrong to you, since you're not technically dating. If he pressures you, be strong and stand your ground. (By the way, if he pressures you after you tell him it feels wrong, that's a sure sign he doesn't really care about you or respect you - a big sign that maybe he's not even a good person to have as a friend).
If he tells you he's been suicidal, refer him to a hotline (find phone numbers on this page) where there are experts who can help him out. But if you ask me, it's a con. He's not suicidal. He's just smart about how to keep you feeling bad for him, so you stick around - and make out with him, with no strings attached.
You deserve to date someone who respects you, and wants to make you happy. At the very bare minimum, he should be proud to call you his girlfriend and have everyone know it. I know you care for this guy, but I think he's the luckiest guy in town to even have your attention. In my books, he doesn't deserve it.
