SHE WANTS MORE WITH HIM

Dear Jellybean,

I've been friends with this guy for about a year and a half, and at first I felt no attraction to him. He also had a girlfriend, so that was definitely a deterrent. However, as time went on I got closer and closer to him, and now I've developed a full-blown crush on him. The only problem was the girlfriend. Eventually she broke up with him, and of course I didn't rush at the chance to date him because they had been dating for about a year and a half. Then they got back together for about a week or so, and that was upsetting to me because I had found out she had been cheating on him. So had a lot of other people and even though they told him he refused to believe it. After that week or so, he broke up with her. I assumed that meant that he was over her. About two weeks later I let it slip that I had feelings for him. He said he had them too, but he just wasn't ready for a big relationship. I told him I didn't need one, so long as he was just with me and I was just with him. And he agreed. So we entered a sort of nameless relationship. One night we 'fooled around' and I thought it had went alright. The next day I get a text saying that he felt that it was too soon and that everything we had done had brought back memories. I just said it was fine. We're still really good friends. We hang out everyday, we text all the time, and nothing feels really awkward or anything. It's just he's still depressed about his ex, and I want to be able to comfort him about it and stuff, but it makes me so upset. I just don't know how to help him and I don't know how I can get him to see me in a romantic way. I really want to be with him as more than friends, but I don't know how to make that transition without freaking him out. Please help me!

Dear Writer,

You can't rush healing. Whether it's over heartbreak, or the loss of a relation, or even a pet, everyone heals at their own rate. Your guy friend had his heart broken pretty badly, and it sounds like he still has a lot of healing to do. In other words, he's not going to be available for dating - or even for fooling around, it seems - for quite a while. You can't rush his process - no matter how badly you want to.

If your friend had lost a loved one, you would never push him to get over it. You'd give him support, let him talk about his feelings, even recommend that he get into counseling... but you'd never try to make him just "get over it" and move on. Because you're a sensitive person, and you'd realize that, hey - mourning is tough, and it takes time.

Just so for his relationship. So where does that leave you? As I see it, you have a couple of choices. One is, accept his friendship, and look for romance elsewhere. The other is, accept his friendship, and decide to wait. Just know that it could be long wait. Putting on the pressure is not an option, at least not if you're a real friend to this guy. It would "freak him out" - and maybe be the thing that ended your friendship, too.

It's too bad he mistook his readiness for new love, and fooled around with you. But at least he's honest, and self-aware, enough to let you know it shouldn't happen again, until he has something real to give you. That's actually pretty decent of him. He's not using you to get over his ex - he's trying to get over her first, before getting involved with someone new. Other guys might rebound, or enjoy the physical stuff knowing they weren't able to offer anything more. So you have to give your friend some credit for being honest with you.