JEALOUS OF HIS EX

Dear Jellybean,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 months and I love him with all my heart. He's really sweet and I know he truly cares about me. He's always telling me how much he loves me and how I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had. But him and I go to different high schools and we barely ever get to see each other. He hangs out with a lot of girls, and I'm not trying to be cocky about my boyfriend but he really is extremely hot, and I'm scared that one of those girls might try and take him. I already found out that his ex gf, who he's close friends with, still likes him too. He took me to meet her once when I was at his school for a basketball game. He introduced me and then he started talking to her and totally ignored me. It was like he forgot I was even there. He didn't hold my hand or anything like he usually does. He didn't pay any attention to me until I pulled out my phone, called my mom to ask what time I needed to be home, and started walking back to my car. He followed me and couldn't tell that something was wrong. I'm really scared that he's either going to A. leave me for, or B. cheat on me with her. What do I do? I need help.
-Utterly Confused About Boyfriend

Dear Utterly Confused,

Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy, and the fact that he hangs with lots of girls tells me that he genuinely likes us females as people, not just for what he can get (in a physical way). So many guys see girls only as sexual objects, so when you find one who is great at being friends with the ladies, it says a lot about his character.

I get that it's hard not to be jealous when your guy goes to another school, and other girls get to spend more time with him than you do. But based on what you told me in your letter, I don't think you have anything major to worry about.

Here's the thing. If your boyfriend secretly liked his ex, he would have put on an act when you went to his school for the game. Guys who are thinking of cheating don't generally flirt with the object of their illicit affection, in front of their girlfriends. They put on a front, acting like they don't care for the other girl that much, then sneak off and flirt with her when their GF is out of the way.

I'm willing to bet that your boyfriend assumes you're totally self-confident, because he thinks you're special, so he naturally figures you know it too. He doesn't feel the need to "babysit" you when you two are hanging out with his other friends, because it doesn't occur to him that you'd worry about him liking someone else, or being uncomfortable. That's awfully nice, if my guess is right, and suggests that what you need to work on here is not so much your relationship, but your self-confidence.

Communication is important in relationships, so it's cool to talk about your feelings with your boyfriend. But if you're going to ask him to pay more attention to you, my advice is, put your request in a sweet way that preserves his image of you as confident and powerful! You could say something like, "I like you so much, it's hard to share you with other people. Sometimes it feels weird when we're together, and you get talking to someone else and forget to hold my hand, or bring me into the conversation." Don't blame him, or accuse him of doing anything wrong, because it's very likely he meant no harm.

Another tip - take the initiative! Next time you're in that situation, grab his hand, or jump into the conversation by waiting until the other person pauses, and then asking a question about what they were saying. It's confident and totally natural. And it means you're taking responsibility for having a good time yourself, instead of counting on your boyfriend to do it for you.

Finally, while your guy's ex-girlfriend might still like him, she's not going to get very far unless he feels the same way. Don't start talking about her jealously to him, because you could put ideas into his head! As long as he's happy with you, which it sounds like he is right now, there's no reason for your boyfriend to go back to her. You need to know you're good enough, and try not worry too much about threats from the outside, unless you are given real reasons to do so.